Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Episode 6

Last time I had a sparkle, it took antibiotics to get rid of it.


Sean is reunited with his sister in Saint Crotch...

SEAN LOWE - Sister! You made it!

SISTER SHAY -  Yep! Even managed to pull out the ol' neon tank n' shorts combo. Only for you, Brother.

SEAN LOWE - Well, I wanted to tell you a bit about Tierra. She has a dented forehead, cries most of the time, and will dance with lowly island people when prodded.

SISTER SHAY -  Sounds like a winner to me! So what's the problem?

SEAN LOWE - Persistent yeast infections. Aaaaand all the other women hate her.

SISTER SHAY - Sean, what have I always told you to be wary of?

SEAN LOWE - Homosexuals. Feminists. Skinny Jeans.

SISTER SHAY  - Yes, but you must always be wary of the girl the other women hate.

SEAN LOWE - **whines** But Siiiiiis... She looks like Britney Speeeeaaaarssss...

SISTER SHAY  - I don't care if she's the spitting image of Victoria Principal herself, DON'T DO IT.


Sean gives Tierra the heave ho...

SEAN LOWE - Goodbye. Sissy said so.

TIERRA -  I just don't get it! I look so much like Britney Spears!

SEAN LOWE - Enjoy it while you can. The next generation of men will only know her as an umbrella-wielding chunky pants.

TIERRA - Sean, you can take away my rose, but you will never take away my sparkle.

SEAN LOWE - Is that what you call your forehead dent? I do like that you took a big negative and spun it into a positive. You'll be just fine. **pats her on her ass, sends her on her way**


Ashlee and Sean have a one-on-one near some water...

ASHLEE - I have something to tell you.

SEAN LOWE - You're HIV positive.

ASHLEE - Close.

SEAN LOWE - You were a Hitler youth.  

ASHLEE - Woulda been, if I'd been alive.

SEAN LOWE - You were married as a high school junior.

ASHLEE - Bingo.

SEAN LOWE -  Phew. That's not so bad. Totally trashy, but I've heard worse.

ASHLEE -  **shouts to the heavens** I LOVE SEAN!


ASHLEE - Not the response I was hoping for, but it'll do.

 On the group date...

SEAN LOWE - Today, we are going to be the first people on earth to see the sun rise.

CATHERINE - On earth? That's on an island off of New Zealand. I think you mean America. 

SEAN LOWE -  Do you people have to beat us in everything? God damn it.

LINDSAY - Sean, I would never try to outsmart you. Mostly because I couldn't even outsmart a flake of dry skin.

SEAN LOWE - I find your stupidity very sexy. **gives her a rose**

DESIREE - B-b-but I cried while discussing my family!

CATHERINE -  And I told you my dad is cray!

SEAN LOWE - Sorry, ladies. My boner only springs for dum dums.

At the rose ceremony...
SEAN LOWE - I figured we'd skip the cocktail reception, because there's no doubt in my mind that I never want to see Lesley's eye contact-evading face ever again.

LESLEY - I have social anxiety, you cunt. **leaves**

CATHERINE - **in tears** Lesley and Sean had so much in common! Blond hair with red skin undertones! WHY GOD, WHY?!?! **hurls herself to the ground**


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