Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Hometown Dates

Playboy gets told.


 In a Houston field of electric towers disguised as a park...

SEAN LOWE - Sure, meeting your parents sounds nice, but I'm more excited about a possible Tina Knowles sighting.  

ASHLEE FRAZIER - Then we'll add a trip to Whataburger to the itinerary. She practically lives there.

SEAN LOWE - Well, I guess it's time to head on over to the Split Level of Truth and get this junk over with.

At the Split Level of Truth, otherwise known as Ashlee's childhood home...

ASHLEE'S DAD - The first time I laid eyes on AshLee, I fell in love with her.

SEAN LOWE  - You fell in love with her? Wasn't she, like, four years old?

ASHLEE'S DAD - Yessir.


ASHLEE'S DAD - "Don't judge lest ye be judged," or whatever.

SEAN LOWE - I thought you were a pastor.

ASHLEE'S DAD  - Got laid off. **takes swig of whiskey**

SEAN LOWE - Can't imagine why.

ASHLEE'S MOM - Hon, tell us about your travels.

ASHLEE FRAZIER - We did a polar bear plunge. **starts to cry** It was so cold... **sniffles** And wet.... **her parents also start to cry**

SEAN LOWE - I don't get it. This isn't even a sad story.

ASHLEE'S DAD - Son, when you routinely fall in love with four-year-olds, they're ALL sad stories.

In Seattle, Catherine greets Sean at the door...

CATHERINE GIUDICI - C'mon in, we're making lumpia.

SEAN LOWE - Is that food or a euphemism for a bowel movement?

CATHERINE GIUDICI - Where Filipino food is concerned, it's always both.


CATHERINE'S SISTER - Sis Two, here. **they pull him aside**

CATHERINE'S SISTER - I hope you like soiled clothing strewn all over the living room floor.

CATHERINE'S SISTER  - And watching all of the Saw movies in succession the first Friday of every month.

CATHERINE'S SISTER - And pouring ranch dressing all over your pasta. She really does that. 

SEAN LOWE - Really? Ranch dressing?


SEAN LOWE- Ok, now I'm having second thoughts.

In Waynesville, Mo

LINDSAY YENTER - Let's take a moment to sit at  this quaint antique shop with gun paraphernalia scattered about.

SEAN LOWE - So what should I call your dad? Mr. Lindsay? Sarge? Darryl?

LINDSAY YENTER  - His name is Mark.

SEAN LOWE - Darryl it is.

LINDSAY YENTER - Sean, don't be nervous. My last boyfriend left our house with one less finger, but that's only because he admitted to voting for the Kenyan.

At Lindsay's house in Fort Leonard Wood...

MARK YENTER, LINDSAY'S DAD - Sean, Don't be nervous. As long as you love jumpin' outta planes and killin' queers and chewin' Redman and watchin' the Twilight series and readin' Archie comics in the tub, you'll leave here with all of your fingers in tact.  **licks pocket knife**

SEAN LOWE - **gulp**

In Los Angeles...

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Remember when I told you I was raised in a tent?

SEAN LOWE - How could I forget? I've been checking my body for ticks since the moment we touched.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Well, lemme just say that, as far as my brother is concerned... it shows.

SEAN LOWE - What do you mean?

DESIREE'S BROTHER - Sup, playboy? **rolls up his sleeves to show off his Jesus tats**

SEAN LOWE - Hope he got those tats for free. His money really should have been focused on moving out of the tent.

DESIREE'S BROTHER - Naw, got these in the pen, playboy.

SEAN LOWE - Why do you keep calling me playboy?

DESIREE'S BROTHER - Dunno. I'm pretty fucked up.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Well, this is going well.

At the rose ceremony...
CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies, one of you will be going home tonight. But the good news is that you might earn a feature story on WetPaint.com.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Sean, can I talk to you for a minute? **pulls him aside**

SEAN LOWE - What could be so important that you'd interrupt me sending you home?


SEAN LOWE - Shit. I only wanted to grant non-ceremonial send-offs to the armless.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - It was my brother, wasn't it? The way he kept calling you playboy?

SEAN LOWE - That was part of it. But I did end up finding a tick. **plucks tick off his body, shows Des**

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Fair enough. **leaves**


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