Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 5 - "Girls Gone Ojai'ld"

An adult person who does the splits at parties is offended by the F-word.

At the restaurant...

ADRIENNE MALOOF - "Call it out"? What does that mean?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I understand that you're 67, and that you'll also not get my DJ Khaled reference later on in the show, but it should be obvious.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Are hip slang and logical reasoning my strong points? No. Chemical hair straightening treatments? Yes.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - It means "Shut the fuck up."

**audible gasps**

KYLE RICHARDS - How dare you use such vulgar language in the presence of women richer than you?!?! 

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Our ear hymens have been forcibly penetrated!  

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Look what you did! Yolanda is DEAD!

**Yolanda is, indeed, dead in her chair.**

KIM RICHARDS - If you'll excuse me, I need to go cry in the bathroom.

YOLANDA FOSTER - **rises from the dead** I'll go with you. I gotta pee.

After Kim, Brandi and Yolanda leave to hang out in the shitter, the rest of the group grapples with the tragedy...

KYLE RICHARDS - Lisa, how can you defend a woman who speaks to another woman that way?

LISA VANDERPUMP - Didn't you and your sister call Brandi a "slut pig" last year?

KYLE RICHARDS - Yeah, but, "slut" isn't on George Carlin's list...

LISA VANDERPUMP - And Adrienne, doesn't Paul call Brandi a bitch next week?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Yeah, but he's a man, and only women aren't allowed to swear cuz we're more moral beings... **stuffs wine glasses in her purse**

KYLE RICHARDS - Why are you defending this person, Lisa? Not only is she poor, but she selects different words than we would select sometimes.

LISA VANDERPUMP - She has a kind heart, and makes me laugh.


KYLE RICHARDS - Well, that's dumb. 

The next day, the group slathers clay on themselves, and then reconvenes for dinner...

KIM RICHARDS - I'm really hungry after that powerful orgasm I had while sitting next to you all naked in the clay room. 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Is it out of line for me to acknowledge how strange that was?

KIM RICHARDS - Yes. You really need some boundaries. **has another orgasm**

EXECUTIVE CHEF - Hello, I'm the Executive Chef, but you can just call me the Executive Chef. Tonight, we'll be serving free-range chicken, all-terrain vegetables, and sports-utility grains.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - On that note, my man's penis is sooooo big.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - If you're going to broach a subject I can't relate to, then I'm going to broach a subject you can't relate to. And that subject is the incubation of a fetus in my uterus.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - BOOYAH! **high fives Adrienne**

KYLE RICHARDS - In my 47 years on this earth, I've learned that nothing is more satisfying than excluding women who haven't given birth.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I have IBS, you assholes.

EXECUTIVE CHEF - Then you might want to stay away from the all-terrain vegetables. I speak from experience.

Later that evening...

KIM RICHARDS - Thank you all for joining me to celebrate my sobriety. It's taken a lot of will power, determination, and chicken salad, but it's been - 

BRANDI GLANVILLE - SHOTS, MOTHAFUCKAS! **carries tray of Patron shots into the room**

KYLE RICHARDS - Suddenly, the "F-word" doesn't offend me so much. **pounds shot**

KIM RICHARDS - Um, I think I'm going to go sit on the vibrating clay chair again.

YOLANDA FOSTER - I'll join you. Nothing is more disgusting than a drunk woman. Not even David Hasselhoff eating a Wendy's burger off the floor. **they exit**

KYLE RICHARDS - Losers. **pounds another shot**

Upstairs, the ladies roll around without underwear...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Taylor, wanna arm wrestle?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Are you talking shit on my dead hubby?

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I said "wrestle."

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Oh. Ok. **gives Brandi a kiss on the lips**

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Does that obnoxious display of faux affection mean you're alright with me writing a book on my divorce?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - No, it means I'm trying to titillate the camera men and the audience with emaciated-girl on emaciated-girl action.

CAMERAMAN - Consider me titillated.

KYLE RICHARDS - Um, hello? A full minute has passed since the attention has been focused on me. **does a hoe-down dance**


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