Monday, December 3, 2012

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 5 - "No Excuse for Excuses"

If Kim's exit means never having to see images like this again, I'm down.

At the Go-Kart track...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Kenya, this is my husband, Apollo.

KENYA MOORE - Oooooo, he is FOINE.

APOLLO NIDA - Aw, c'mon, now. I'm not THAT good-looking. **takes off his sunglasses, admires himself in their mirrored lenses**

KENYA MOORE - I'm serious! Look at those bulging muscles!

APOLLO NIDA - What, these old things? **takes off his shirt, flexes**

KENYA MOORE - And modest, too!

APOLLO NIDA - So modest that I didn't even vote for myself when I was nominated "Inmate of the Year" for the Georgia State Penitentiary superlatives. I won anyway.

KENYA MOORE - Walter, will you excuse me for a second?

WALTER - Sure. I actually don't give a fuck WHAT you do. Ever.

**Kenya gives Apollo a BJ under the table**

PHAEDRA PARKS - Oh my. That is not very polite.

Kim has lunch with her daughters...

ARIANA ZOLCIAK -  Mom, was I a planned pregnancy?  

KIM ZOLCIAK - Yes. Your father, who I must note is not the same person as Brielle's father, planned to ejaculate inside of me three seconds before he did. 

BRIELLE ZOLCIAK - And me? Was I planned? 

KIM ZOLCIAK - I was 19. What do you think?

BRIELLE ZOLCIAK - That you were trying to trap Dad so you'd never have to work a day in your life? 

KIM ZOLCIAK - Bingo. And I did the same thing with Kroy, and I'll do it again with the next guy. 

BRIELLE ZOLCIAK -  You know, Mom, God created this thing called birth control... 

KIM ZOLCIAK - He also created credit cards, so you can keep poppin' 'em out like a Kegel ball. 

ARIANA ZOLCIAK - I don't think God created either of those things.  

KIM ZOLCIAK - Who taught you to talk like that?   

ARIANA ZOLCIAK - Kids at school. 

Cynthia invites the women to lunch to discuss their trip to Anguilla...

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **goes around in a circle** Kandi, you're invited, Phaedra, you're invited, Nene, you're invited, **skips Kenya**.... Kim, you're invited...

KENYA MOORE - What about me?  

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Sorry, no former Miss Americas in Anguilla. State law. 

KENYA MOORE - Lucky for us, I was Miss USA. 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - FUCK! I knew learning the difference between those two would help me out one day. 

KIM ZOLCIAK - I've got some exciting news. My doctor says at 72 weeks, it's still safe to travel. 

KANDI BURRUSS - Good, because I've got some new pregnancy sex toys I want you to test out.   

KIM ZOLCIAK - Oh. But, uh... I'm already at 78 weeks. Sorry! Can't go. 

NENE LEAKES - Is this like when Phaedra said her baby was due three weeks into her pregnancy? 

PHAEDRA PARKS - We can plan all we want, but nature is in control.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Are you calling me a liar, NeNe? 

NENE LEAKES - Is The New Normal a piece of shit?

KIM ZOLCIAK - I'm out of here. I'd rather be with members of my immediate family, who are either too dumb or too young to know what a liar I am. **runs outside, takes off her mic and leaves on ground** 

STRANGER ON THE STREET - Excuse me, miss, you dropped this... 

KIM ZOLCIAK - FUCK YOU!!! **throws mic in his face** 

STRANGER ON THE STREET - I thought people in the South were supposed to be friendly.


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