Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 8 - "Honey I'm Homeless"

Team San Diego fails in the cow nut-gobbling challenge.

On a Turkish game show set, Round I...

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to what we cleverly call "Puke Challenge."

TRISHELLE CANNATELLA - That's never been a challenge for me. **circles hand around entire upper arm**

JONNA MANNION - It is for me. No gag reflex. **winks at Zach**

TJ LAVIN  - Can I finish? Nobody treats Roger Lodge this way. Jesus Christ.

CJ KOEGEL - Please do not take the Lord's name in vain.

TJ LAVIN - My apologies. I shouldn't be throwing Roger Lodge into just any old convo. So my assistant Tazorac is going to bring you guys gross shit, and you're gonna eat it until you projectile vomit on the person you like best. Jasmine, you like baklava?

JASMINE REYNAUD - Does Jonna like white guys?

TJ LAVIN   - I'll take that as a yes. Corolla, please bring Jonna an airplane hangar's-worth of baklava.

**Assistant brings baklava to Jasmine, she eats most of it** 

JASMINE REYNAUD - Oh shit. I haven't been this nauseous since I hooked up with Tyree. 

TJ LAVIN   - Wait! You must vomit on your favorite person!

JASMINE REYNAUD**approaches Dustin** Well, I've always had a fondness for you after I witnessed the tenderness with which you administered blow jobs to other men on the internet. **pukes**

DUSTIN ZITO - Thank you for that. 

Next round...

TJ LAVIN  - Devyn, do you like grape leaves?

DEVYN SIMONE - I believe you mean dolmades.

TJ LAVIN - Oh you're so smart now that you've got natural hair? My lovely assistant Dysentery will serve you 85 domains, or whatever the fuck they're called.

DEVYN SIMONE - Yum. **her mouth lingers on green phallic shaped item**

ZACH NICHOLS -  Is it getting hot in here? **loosens UnderArmour tie**

TJ LAVIN - Nope. I think you're just getting turned on watching Devyn suck on something that resembles a dragon dick. 

ZACH NICHOLS - I guess you can't expect a sense of propriety with TJ Lavin.

TJ LAVIN - It's the brain injury. Devyn, who's lookin' good to puke on? 

DEVYN SIMONE - TJ, I choose Marie. She's a real straight-shooter, and I like how her skin gets red sometimes. **pukes on Marie**

TJ LAVIN - Well done, Devyn. Well done.

Next round...

TJ LAVIN  - Nervosa, can you bring out the assorted cow private parts? Don't forget the taint and the sphincter.

FRANK SWEENEY - I normally love to eat those things, anyway.  

TJ LAVIN - But this time it's from a cow.

FRANK SWEENEY - Yeah, I know. That's what growing up in Vermont will do. **chows down on cow private parts**

TJ LAVIN - Uh oh... he's looking green around the gills!

FRANK SWEENEY - I'm fine. Honestly.

TJ LAVIN - Dude, he's gonna spew!


**Uncomfortable silence lasts several minutes**

TJ LAVIN - That was kind of uncool, man.

FRANK SWEENEY- You're right. I'm sorry. **vomits on Derek**

At the Arena...

TJ LAVIN - Team Brooklyn, as power team, who do you select to go into the Arena to lose to San Diego? 

CHET CANNON - TJ, we select Jonna, because we hate her.

JONNA MANNION - No way, Jose. I had a mean boyfriend once. No can do.

SARAH RICE - You make a compelling case. Jasmine, will you go in her place?

JASMINE REYNAUD - Sure. I don't see why my fifty-pound frame can't compete and win in a physical challenge against a teenage boy.

SAM MCGINN - That's the spirit. **Jasmine loses in the hallway challenge almost immediately**

TJ LAVIN- Frank, it's your turn to square off against weird religo CJ.

FRANK SWEENEY - Um, I don't think I should compete. Zach is much better suited for rubbing up against men in darkened hallways.

TJ LAVIN - I'm surprised to hear you say that.

ZACH NICHOLS - I'm not. Let's do this. **rubs against CJ in darkened hallway, wins**

CJ KOEGEL - Well, God has decided that it's my time to go.

JASMINE REYNAUD - Oh no, you're dying?!?!

CJ KOEGEL - No, I meant go home to Boca Raton. He is fully invested in all of my undertakings, including my shitty punting camp and this televised greed-focused competition.

TJ LAVIN - Let us pray.


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