Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 2 - "The Higher The Heel, The Closer to God"

Who let the weird smelly hippie in here?

At Portia Umansky's birthday party...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - **enters in heart sunglasses from Rite Aid** I come bearing gifts of kiddie sex toys - the label says ages 4 and up. 

KYLE RICHARDS - Thank you - if she's anything like her mother, Portia will love this.


KYLE RICHARDS  - She left early because she "had a wine tasting." I guess that's the billionaire lame excuse version of "explosive diarrhea."

BRANDI GLANVILLE  - Truthfully, I'm feeling anxious because I'm worried nobody here likes me.

KYLE RICHARDS - Nonsense! I mean, not nonsense that nobody likes you, cuz they don't, but it's nonsense that you're anxious.


KYLE RICHARDS  - Well, for starters, we have a snow cone machine that also doubles as a microdermabrasion chamber!


KYLE RICHARDS - And ponies that poop out topical antioxidant serums!


KYLE RICHARDS -  I almost forgot the virgin llama we plan to ceremoniously gut to access his youth-sustaining blood!

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I'm gonna head out now... Got, um, "stuff" to do.

KYLE RICHARDS - But we haven't even brought out the inflatable castle coated with prescription-strength retinoids!

BRANDI GLANVILLE  - **runs away**

KYLE RICHARDS - Some people don't know how to party. 

Yolanda arrives at her daughter Gigi's photo shoot...

YOLANDA FOSTER - **to photographer** My name is Yolanda. You might know me from such trashy bathing suit photographs as the one where an extreme wedgie left both butt cheeks exposed.

PHOTOGRAPHER - Yolanda? **sings** You look sooo fiiine.


PHOTOGRAPHER - No, it's a song... forget it.

YOLANDA FOSTER - I am from Europe. We have little tolerance for crappy music and moderate alcohol consumption.

PHOTOGRAPHER -  Sorry, I suppose you're more cultured than us by default.

YOLANDA FOSTER - That is correct. **turns to her daughter** Gigi, darling, make sure your eye make-up is rounded so you don't look Chinese!

GIGI HADID - You got it, Ma.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Thank you. Looking Chinese is VERY BAD. **to photographer** So I believe you were in the middle of singing the praises of my superior Aryan race?


Taylor welcomes the Umanskys to her home...

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Just in time! I cooked Mexican and Spanish food specifically for you guys!

MAURICIO UMANSKY - Why specifically for us?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Cuz Mauricio's from Mexico, duh.

KYLE RICHARDS - But he's not Spanish.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Same dif. We're all a little bit brown on the inside, am I right?

MAURICIO UMANSKY - What the fuck are you even talking about?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Don't question me! I'm a victim of domestic abuse! Machengo?

Camille Grammar, Dana "Pam" Wilkey, and Taylor Armstrong arrive at Portia's party...

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Ugh, I'm soooo sweaty from riding in a private jet all day!

CAMILLE GRAMMAR - How exactly do private jets make you sweaty?

DANA WILKEY - Hel-LO, she clearly just wanted to mention that she rode in one. Are you new here?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Listen, I've got some gossip for you guys... Brandi told Yolanda that she's slept with everyone in Beverly Hills!

CAMILLE GRAMMAR - She was probably joking.

DANA WILKEY - Um, HI, here in the BH, we don't give women hotter than us the benefit of the doubt.

CAMILLE GRAMMAR - I think I'm going to go talk to the Maloofs... Hearing them bitch about the Vanderpumps is frankly preferable to this conversation.

DANA WILKEY - Earth to Camille, when people in Beverly Hills want to get away from someone, they just say they're going to "do a bump in the bathroom."

CAMILLE GRAMMAR - Got it. Bye. **leaves**

DANA WILKEY - What a Debbie Downer. Hey, did you hear about my sunglasses? Fifty-thousand.


DANA WILKEY - What's so funny?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Pam, I am not well.

DANA WILKEY - Who cares? You're skinny.


DANA WILKEY - Stick with me, kid, and I'll always validate your bad choices and eagerly listen to your unsubstantiated gossip. We ARE Beverly Hills.



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