Monday, November 12, 2012

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 2 - "Excess Breeds Success"

Miss America 1983, Kenya Moore.

At Kim's rented mansion...

KIM ZOLCIAK - Which wig should I wear to my birthday dinner - the Rachel or the Eunice?

SWEETIE - If I was homeless, I sure as hell wouldn't be worrying about wigs.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Well, if I'm homeless, you're homeless, and it looks like you got a new weave yourself.

SWEETIE  - You like? It's the Cher wig from the Halloween store. Only 24.99, and it came wrapped in plastic!

KROY BIERMANN - **enters, with his hair creepily parted to the side like a Ken doll** Kim, I'm ready for my yearly blow job!

SWEETIE - **clears throat** 

KROY BIERMANN - Oh, hey Sweetie and infant son KJ. I didn't think anybody else was in here. But seriously, Kim. Blow job.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Show me what gifts you bought me first.

KROY BIERMANN - Well, there's this here bracelet. But what should really earn me a killer beej is this brochure for the tug boat we're eating dinner on!

KIM ZOLCIAK - Interesting. Is that bearded man in the Confederate flag tank top the captain?

KROY BIERMANN - Yep! He bought the boat in 1976, and fixed it up real nice.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  Um, wow. The 70s-era rust really adds some character.

KROY BIERMANN - Im glad you like it, because.... it's also where we're going to live upon eviction! Choo choo!

KIM ZOLCIAK - That's the sound a train makes, not a boat.


KIM ZOLCIAK  - Kroy, there's no pool. Or basketball court for KJ to roll around in money on.

KROY BIERMANN - Yeah, I spent any money that would go to securing a land-based house on your bracelet instead. I figured you'd rather have it go to something for yourself, rather than for our whole family.

KIM ZOLCIAK - You couldn't be more utterly and completely... right!

KROY BIERMANN  - Now how about that blow job?

SWEETIE  - KJ and I are still sitting here, and we can still hear you.

KROY BIERMANN - Oh. **whispers loudly**  Now how about that blow job?

Kenya has a romantic dinner with her boo Walter...

KENYA MOORE - So, we've been dating two years, and I'm 47 and childless. You know what that means...

WALTER - You've given up on having biological kids like any sensible woman your age would?

KENYA MOORE - Nope! Autism and Downs Syndrome don't scare me one bit.

WALTER - Fantastic.

KENYA MOORE - In fact, I prefer my kids have some kind of defect so they don't up and leave once they realize how awful I am.

WALTER - Well, I have some things to tell you. I asked Kandi Burress out once.

KENYA MOORE  - She got a big ol' butt, and I know how you love big ol' butts. I can't hate.

WALTER   - I also slept with Cynthia. Thrice.

KENYA MOORE - I'm more disturbed by your use of the word "thrice".

WALTER  - Um... I also fucked your aunt while you were in the kitchen making Hot Pockets.

KENYA MOORE - Good, I'm glad she's getting some at her age.

WALTER  - Damn it, bitch, what's it going to take for you to dump me?!?

KENYA MOORE - Like this Revlon Colorstay foundation in the wrong shade I've caked on my face, I'm not going anywhere.

WALTER - Help me, Jesus.

Cynthia throws a Successful Ladies party for NeNe...

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Welcome to the Successful Ladies party! 

KIM ZOLCIAK - Thanks. I'm actually not too sure why I was invited...

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Well, you've been very successful in sleeping with rich men, so we figured we could include you.

KIM ZOLCIAK - No, I meant because NeNe and I are not friends.


NENE - **arrives two hours late** Kim! Sweetie! So glad you could make it.

KIM ZOLCIAK - We were just leaving. I've got a lot of stuff to do, even though I haven't had a job in over 10 years.

NENE - Sucking NFL dick is a job. Give yourself some credit!

SWEETIE - She doesn't even do that.

NENE - Oh. **whispers to Cynthia** Why the hell did you invite her, again? 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - I'm not sure, to be honest with you.

**Kim and Sweetie leave, Kenya gets on the microphone**

KENYA MOORE - **taps microphone** Testing, one two. Ahem. As a very successful lady, I'd like to welcome you all to the Successful Ladies party!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - What the fuck is she doing?

KENYA MOORE - I'm here to tell you that you can be whatever you want to be. Look at me - I won the Miss USA pageant right after I graduated college in 2007!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **calls out** LIAR!

KENYA MOORE - And, just in case anyone was wondering, my 26-year-old eggs are still farm fresh!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - You're 26 like I'm happily married! 

KENYA MOORE - Oh, Cynthia Bailey. So incredibly jelly. It's sad, really. **starts to walk off the stage, but a bottle of Boniva spills out of her purse** Oh, um.. it's never too early to work on prevention, am I right, ladies? Bone health! 

PHAEDRA PARKS - **to Cynthia** Don't worry, Cynthia. We all know the truth about Kenya.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Thank you. You're a real friend.

PHAEDRA PARKS - And the truth is... her donkey booty is real, and it's spectacular. 

The End.

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