Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 7 - "Do Not Like You Sam I Am"

Like Adonis, if Adonis was from Michigan.

At the mansion, Team Brooklyn hosts Insane Games Part II...

CHET - Let's welcome our host, Vanna Black!

DEVYN - **walks out to complete silence**

CHET - Get it? Cuz Vanna White is a game show host, but she's white, and now Devyn is a game show host, but she's black?

DEVYN - **twirls, somebody coughs uncomfortably**

CHET - Tough crowd.

JD -  I thought you said this would make Team Brooklyn more likeable.

CHET  - I forgot this is the same group that thinks the capital of Iceland is "ricechex."

JD - Isn't it?

CHET - Shh. Um, everybody? You're all welcome to one free sexual act of your choice with Sarah Rice, courtesy of Team Brooklyn!

SARAH - Chet!

CHET - I'd offer myself, but there's that whole Mormon thing.

JD  - Plus, how does that saying go again? If she'll tattoo, she'll do?

SARAH Did you just make that up now?


On a hill for Challenge Day...

TJ LAVIN -  You're challenge is to run up a hill while carrying a cork from one of those giant novelty bottles of wine in the Oriental Trading Company catalog.

FRANK - Excuse me, shouldn't it be Asian Trading Company?

TJ LAVIN -  Shut up, Frank.

**the competition up the hill begins, and Sam starts to suck**

FRANK   - Fucking MOVE, you fat BITCH!

SAM - I... can't... My hair is too tired from standing up all day.

FRANK - This is about TEAMWORK , stupid butch TROLL!

**Derek runs by, carrying Jasmine over his shoulder as she whispers gentle encouragements to him**

SAM - Teamwork, huh?

FRANK -  Whatever. Fuck those pussies.

CJ composes a love letter to Ashley, who is unaware CJ exists...

CJ - **writes with a quill and scroll by candlelight**
Dear Ashley,
Here are some fresh flowers I plucked from the mildew that's grown around Dustin's unwashed underwear. God is watching over you, and will make sure your team wins in the arena tomorrow. This is the same God that allowed me to be a Pop Warner punting instructor after failing to make it in the NFL, and he is good.
**puts letter in the mailbox, even though they live in the same house**

At the Arena...

TJ LAVIN - Jemmye and Knight, you lost the cork challenge, which is really the only acceptable outcome for people named "Jemmye" and "Knight".

SARAH - As Power Team, we'd like to select San Diego to fight in the arena.

FRANK - Have fun with that, Zach.

ZACH -  Huh? You and Ashley promised you'd go in.

FRANK - Yeah, but... I don't feel like it.

TJ LAVIN - Ok, now that that's been decided, we'll discuss today's mental challenge. We call this a mental challenge because the other people we forced to stay underwater for such an extended period of time suffered permanent brain damage.

**Knight and Zach get dunked in the water while Sam and Jemmye work on puzzles**

ZACH - **comes out of the water** You can do it, Sam! Imagine how proud your fat girlfriend will be!

KNIGHT - **comes out of the water** C'mon, Jemmye! Let's see that same fire you had when you kicked me out of the apartment after I cheated on you!

JEMMYE**Jemmye stupefied by Zach's looks** Can't... look... away...

KNIGHT - Focus!

JEMMYE - **still captivated** Like a Michigander Adonis...

KNIGHT - Oh no... Big Easy redux!

JEMMYE - **hand mysteriously disappears down her Under Armour**

KNIGHT - Don't give in to the light, Jemmye!  

SAM - Done! **they win**

JEMMYE - Sorry, Knight. Maybe if you looked like Zach, Sam would have been as distracted as I was.

KNIGHT - Um, no, she wouldn't have been.

JEMMYE - Oh... right.


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