 |
| It's all fun and games until the Maloofs hide a pipe bomb in the floral arrangement. |
Paul and Adrienne dine al fresco in Beverly Hills...
WAITER - Whoa! Are you guys twins?
PAUL NASSIF - No, we're husband and wife.
WAITER - Oh. The matching lateral brow lift and lack of sexual chemistry threw me off.
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Please leave. **he does** Paul, I have some news. Taylor says that we were not invited to the Villa Blanca anniversary party.
PAUL NASSIF - What does that fat ass know?
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Have you seen anything in the mail?
PAUL NASSIF - We haven't gotten our own mail since the Carter administration.
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Good point. Well, let's send a floral arrangement modeled after the Cambodian Killing Fields to "wish them well."
PAUL NASSIF - Muahahaha!
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Muahahaha!
PAUL NASSIF - Muahahaha! PS - I want a divorce.
At the Villa Blanca anniversary party...
LISA VANDERPUMP - Welcome to the anniversary of my restaurant with mediocre Yelp reviews. Smoking cocktail?
KIM RICHARDS - No thanks. Just got out of Promises. I'm now on a first name basis with Amanda Bynes.
YOLANDA FOSTER - Oh hello, there. I noticed you don't drink. Let's form a flimsy acquaintanceship based on this weak commonality.
KIM RICHARDS - Bitchin'. I've never been flimsy acquaintances with a drag queen before.
YOLANDA FOSTER - Darling, I am a woman. Married to THE David Foster.
KIM RICHARDS - I thought he hung himself.
YOLANDA FOSTER - That's David Foster Wallace. My husband is the one who used to be married to Brody Jenner's mom.
KIM RICHARDS - So where's your ring?
YOLANDA FOSTER - - Who needs jewelry when you have LOVE LETTERS? **pieces of paper fly out of her decolletage, covering the floor and the walls**
KIM RICHARDS - Fuck. I need a drink. **runs to the bar**
Kyle helps Portia make calls for her 4th birthday party...
PORTIA UMANSKY - **on the phone** Hi, this is Portia. Can you come to my birthday party?
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **on the other end** Hmmm... Is your daddy going to be there?
PORTIA UMANSKY - Yeah! **lowers her voice** And it's supposed to be 95 degrees. You know what that means... No shirt. Buy me Rescue Adventures Diego and I will. Make. This. Shit. Happen.
KYLE RICHARDS - Portia, what are you whispering?
PORTIA UMANSKY - Nothing, Mommy! Call British lady with big butt now?
KYLE RICHARDS- Her name is Lisa. Kids these days... **dials phone for Portia**
PORTIA UMANSKY - **on the phone** Hi, this is Portia. Please come to my party. We're gonna have bouncy toys!
LISA VANDERPUMP - **on the other end** Oh! And is your father going to be blowing up those bouncy toys with his full, sexual, Mexican-Jewish-Hungarian lips?
PORTIA UMANSKY - Yeah! **lowers her voice** But get here early. And if you bring me a pink tricycle, I'll spill juice on his pants so that he'll have to wear the pair that accentuates his bulge.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - **on speaker in the background** Fuck, I'm coming, too. Invitation or no invitation. **hangs up**
KYLE RICHARDS - **oblivious** Time to call Auntie Kim! **Kim does not answer**
PORTIA UMANSKY - So annoying, right, Mommy?
KYLE RICHARDS - Aw, sweetie! Look at you, learning to alienate your substance-abusing aunt at such a young age! Too cute! **leaves the kitchen**
PORTIA UMANSKY - **grabs Kyle's phone, texts Kim** This is Portia. Come 2 my party with basket of Wreck It Ralph toys, and my dad will leave my mom for u. Kthxbye.
KIM RICHARDS - **texts back** So there.
THE END.
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