Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 1 - "Down and Left Out in Beverly Hills"

It's all fun and games until the Maloofs hide a pipe bomb in the floral arrangement.

Paul and Adrienne dine al fresco in Beverly Hills...

WAITER - Whoa! Are you guys twins?

PAUL NASSIF - No, we're husband and wife.

WAITER - Oh. The matching lateral brow lift and lack of sexual chemistry threw me off.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Please leave. **he does**  Paul, I have some news. Taylor says that we were not invited to the Villa Blanca anniversary party.

PAUL NASSIF  - What does that fat ass know?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Have you seen anything in the mail?

PAUL NASSIF - We haven't gotten our own mail since the Carter administration.

ADRIENNE MALOOF  - Good point. Well, let's send a floral arrangement modeled after the Cambodian Killing Fields to "wish them well."

PAUL NASSIF - Muahahaha!


PAUL NASSIF  - Muahahaha!  PS - I want a divorce.

At the Villa Blanca anniversary party...

LISA VANDERPUMP - Welcome to the anniversary of my restaurant with mediocre Yelp reviews. Smoking cocktail?

KIM RICHARDS -  No thanks. Just got out of Promises. I'm now on a first name basis with Amanda Bynes.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Oh hello, there. I noticed you don't drink. Let's form a flimsy acquaintanceship based on this weak commonality.

KIM RICHARDS  - Bitchin'. I've never been flimsy acquaintances with a drag queen before.

YOLANDA FOSTER - Darling, I am a woman. Married to THE David Foster.

KIM RICHARDS  - I thought he hung himself.

YOLANDA FOSTER - That's David Foster Wallace. My husband is the one who used to be married to Brody Jenner's mom.

KIM RICHARDS - So where's your ring?

YOLANDA FOSTER - - Who needs jewelry when you have LOVE LETTERS? **pieces of paper fly out of her decolletage, covering the floor and the walls** 

KIM RICHARDS - Fuck. I need a drink. **runs to the bar**

Kyle helps Portia make calls for her 4th birthday party...

PORTIA UMANSKY - **on the phone** Hi, this is Portia. Can you come to my birthday party?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **on the other end** Hmmm... Is your daddy going to be there?

PORTIA UMANSKY - Yeah! **lowers her voice** And it's supposed to be 95 degrees. You know what that means... No shirt. Buy me Rescue Adventures Diego and I will. Make. This. Shit. Happen.

KYLE RICHARDS - Portia, what are you whispering?

PORTIA UMANSKY - Nothing, Mommy! Call British lady with big butt now?

KYLE RICHARDS-  Her name is Lisa. Kids these days... **dials phone for Portia**

PORTIA UMANSKY - **on the phone**  Hi, this is Portia. Please come to my party. We're gonna have bouncy toys!

LISA VANDERPUMP - **on the other end** Oh! And is your father going to be blowing up those bouncy toys with his full, sexual, Mexican-Jewish-Hungarian lips?

PORTIA UMANSKY - Yeah! **lowers her voice** But get here early. And if you bring me a pink tricycle, I'll spill juice on his pants so that he'll have to wear the pair that accentuates his bulge.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - **on speaker in the background**  Fuck, I'm coming, too. Invitation or no invitation. **hangs up**

KYLE RICHARDS - **oblivious** Time to call Auntie Kim! **Kim does not answer**

PORTIA UMANSKY - So annoying, right, Mommy?

KYLE RICHARDS -  Aw, sweetie! Look at you, learning to alienate your substance-abusing aunt at such a young age! Too cute! **leaves the kitchen**  

PORTIA UMANSKY -  **grabs Kyle's phone, texts Kim** This is Portia. Come 2 my party with basket of Wreck It Ralph toys, and my dad will leave my mom for u. Kthxbye. 

KIM RICHARDS - **texts back**  So there.


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