Monday, November 5, 2012

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1 - "Got Sexy Back, Part I"

Kim was unable to make the photo shoot because she was decorating her cardboard box.

JET Magazine auditions at The Bailey Agency...

KENYA MOORE - **after girl with tuft of FUPA hair on display walks the runway** Get a wax, and then we can talk.

FUPA TUFT - Ok, thank you.

KENYA MOORE  - Wait... Nevermind. We'll never talk. But still get a wax.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Kenya, be nice. This is for JET.

KENYA MOORE - **after 300 lb man dressed as Nicki Minaj walks the runway** If this is what JET is about, I'd like to cancel my subscription.

JET LADY - Done. **cancels Kenya's subscription on her IPad**

KENYA MOORE - **after lady with only a torso and no limbs scoots down the runway** NEXT!

LADY WITH NO LIMBS - Sorry. I had a run in with Marlo Hampton last week.

KENYA MOORE  - Who let her in here? SECURITY!

CYNTHIA BAILEY  - We don't have security guards.

KENYA MOORE - Well, I do. I hired him so I'm always the first in line on Jimmy Johns half-off Tuesdays.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **pulls Kenya aside** We need to talk. You've been unnecessarily harsh.

KENYA MOORE - Somebody needs to set these people straight so they improve!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Listen... Sasquatch, Nicholas Minaj and Torso Tammy are never going to improve. Ok? We know that.

KENYA MOORE - So you're saying I should hold my tongue, because there's no hope?


 KENYA MOORE - Ok. Um, Mrs. Jet Lady? Can you un-cancel my subscription?


Kim visits Kandi's new house...

KANDI BURRESS - Welcome to my foreclosure fortress, otherwise known as "the place I store all my sex toys."

KIM ZOLCIAK - I can't believe you'd ask me to come out to this neighborhood. It's crawling with black babies.

KANDI BURRESS - I promise, it's a good area. Andre 3000's coat maker lives next door. So... here's the vibrator room...


KANDI BURRESS - And the lube station...


KANDI BURRESS - And the electric-butt plug charging area...


KANDI BURRESS - Kim, why all the hate? Aren't you, like, homeless?

KIM ZOLCIAK  - What??? Just because a white person  has nowhere to live doesn't mean they're homeless!

KANDI BURRESS - If you say so. Now here's the pool, which doubles as a dildo cleaning apparatus...

KIM ZOLCIAK - Um... this is an indoor pool.

KANDI BURRESS - But it's still a private pool. I'm pretty grateful.

KIM ZOLCIAK - I mean, I'd never be ok with an indoor pool, but... to each their own. 

KANDI BURRESS - **whispers to Kim** Would you like somewhere to stay while you get back on your feet?

KIM ZOLCIAK - **whispers back** Yes, please.

KANDI BURRESS  - Ok, moving on to the anal bead repair cabinet...

NeNe meets with Ryan Murphy...

RYAN MURPHY - I saw you on Celebrity Apprentice, and was captivated by your ability to yell at people in a fake board room. You have a gift.

NENE LEAKES - That's why I'm rich. Bitch.

RYAN MURPHY - And I'd like to make you even richer. How would you like to appear on my struggling television show, The New Normal?

NENE LEAKES - Would I get to fuck Taye Diggs?

RYAN MURPHY - Hmmm... we wanted to make him your younger brother, but I suppose we could arrange some kind of incest scenario...

NENE LEAKES - Make him my older brother, and we've got a deal.

RYAN MURPHY - NeNe, we can only ask our viewers to suspend their disbelief so much.

NENE LEAKES - Fine. Make us twins who hit it on the regular.

RYAN MURPHY - Welcome aboard!

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