 |
| According to my dad, Kordell Stewart is a fatty beard. |
Kenya and Porsha meet for lunch...
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - A little about me... I'm married to a gay dude, and my grandfather stood three people down from MLK in a photograph once.
KENYA MOORE - He must be so proud in heaven, thinking of you appearing on a reality show featuring many wigs.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - He is. So what about you? What's your story?
KENYA MOORE - I won Miss USA in 1993.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Neat-o! And?
KENYA MOORE - And? That's it. That's the only thing about me.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Career?
KENYA MOORE - Nope.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Family?
KENYA MOORE - Yeah, right.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Decoupage?
KENYA MOORE - That shit fugs.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Ok. Well, since you're pretty much a loser at life, maybe you'd like to come to my charity event. I'm going to publicly accept gifts from my husband and flit around in a gold nightie.
KENYA MOORE - Can I bring Lawrence?
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - It's ladies only. And last time I checked by putting my hand down his pants, he has a dick.
At the Hosea Williams charity event, Kenya arrives sans Lawrence...
KENYA MOORE - Soo... when you said that bit about publicly accepting gifts from your husband and flitting around in a gold nightie, I didn't realize you were completely serious.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Yep. That's all we have planned. Oh, except for my big speech! Here goes. **grabs microphone**
Hey, powerful ladies! I see you, front desk girl at Derma Med Spa. **front desk girl nods** Welcome! And I'd like to give a VERY special welcome to Miss Kenya Moore, Miss America 1986 and proud fan of decoupage! Um... that's all. 'Night!
KENYA MOORE - **pulls Porsha aside** Number one, it is so cold in here that every pimple on my cheek is standing at attention. And B, I told you I do NOT decoupage!
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you more relateable.
KENYA MOORE - Fuck this. If anybody needs me, I'll be outside waiting for Lawrence and smelling all the dung.
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - I don't think anybody will be needing you. If I wanted to hang out with an old person, I'd hang out with my husband.
KENYA MOORE - You can take your charity selflessly created be a civil rights pioneer for at-risk children and shove it up your still-functioning ovary hole! **gets in car with Lawrence**
PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Oh, I will! Wait, what?
NeNe and Gregg get couples pedicures...
GREGG LEAKES - I need two things before you leave for New York. A key to your house, and a key... to your heart. **sticks his tongue between his two fingers, flicks**
NENE LEAKES - **shudders** Ugh. All I know is that you need a key to the gym.
GREGG LEAKES - The softer the belly, the more yielding to the touch of a beautiful woman.**takes his stomach out from behind his shirt, shakes it**
NENE LEAKES - I think I'm going to be sick...
GREGG LEAKES - I wrote a poem for this very occasion. "Oh, to be a nibble fish here at Sexy Soles, so that I may ingest the dry, dead skin NeNe has sloughed off walking in unreasonable heels."
NENE LEAKES - **dry heaves** I think I hear Brent calling.
GREGG LEAKES - You mean the child you and I creating by pressing our loins close together in the Sports Authority dressing room? **starts to unzip his pants, NeNe runs out** Hey, where you going? I thought we'd make Brent 2.
PEDICURIST - Sir, you're going to have to put your penis back in your pants now.
GREGG LEAKES - Fine. You know, modern women just don't appreciate a true gentleman anymore.
Apollo and Phaedra talk in their kitchen...
APOLLO NIDA - Now that I've earned my fitness certification through a non-accredited online program, I'm qualified to put together your new Donkey Booty fitness tape!
PHAEDRA PARKS - Tape? You mean DVD.
APOLLO NIDA - Sorry. When I left for prison, they were still called tapes.
PHAEDRA PARKS - So, uh... what are your ideas?
APOLLO NIDA - I dunno, work out n' stuff in front of a tripod. Maybe wear a wrestling singlet.
PHAEDRA PARKS - Should I consider hiring an outside consultant?
APOLLO NIDA - Why would you do that? I'm certified!
PHAEDRA PARKS - I guess you're right...
APOLLO NIDA - What do you think about doing the whole thing underwater?
PHAEDRA PARKS - Um, will you excuse me while I make a phone call?
APOLLO NIDA - Sure, but don't take too long. I got about two more ideas to share with you that I'm going to make up while you're on your call.
PHAEDRA PARKS - Great.
The End.
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