Monday, November 19, 2012

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 3 - "Call Me Miss USA"

According to my dad, Kordell Stewart is a fatty beard.

Kenya and Porsha meet for lunch...

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - A little about me... I'm married to a gay dude, and my grandfather stood three people down from MLK in a photograph once.

KENYA MOORE - He must be so proud in heaven, thinking of you appearing on a reality show featuring many wigs. 

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - He is. So what about you? What's your story?

KENYA MOORE - I won Miss USA in 1993.


KENYA MOORE - And? That's it. That's the only thing about me. 




KENYA MOORE - Yeah, right.


KENYA MOORE - That shit fugs.  

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Ok. Well, since you're pretty much a loser at life, maybe you'd like to come to my charity event. I'm going to publicly accept gifts from my husband and flit around in a gold nightie.  

KENYA MOORE - Can I bring Lawrence?  

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - It's ladies only. And last time I checked by putting my hand down his pants, he has a dick.

At the Hosea Williams charity event, Kenya arrives sans Lawrence...

KENYA MOORE - Soo... when you said that bit about publicly accepting gifts from your husband and flitting around in a gold nightie, I didn't realize you were completely serious.

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Yep. That's all we have planned. Oh, except for my big speech! Here goes.  **grabs microphone**

Hey, powerful ladies! I see you, front desk girl at Derma Med Spa. **front desk girl nods** Welcome! And I'd like to give a VERY special welcome to Miss Kenya Moore, Miss America 1986 and proud fan of decoupage! Um... that's all. 'Night!

KENYA MOORE  - **pulls Porsha aside** Number one, it is so cold in here that every pimple on my cheek is standing at attention. And B, I told you I do NOT decoupage!

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you more relateable.

KENYA MOORE - Fuck this. If anybody needs me, I'll be outside waiting for Lawrence and smelling all the dung.

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - I don't think anybody will be needing you. If I wanted to hang out with an old person, I'd hang out with my husband. 

KENYA MOORE - You can take your charity selflessly created be a civil rights pioneer for at-risk children and shove it up your still-functioning ovary hole! **gets in car with Lawrence**

PORSHA WILLIAMS STEWART - Oh, I will! Wait, what?

NeNe and Gregg get couples pedicures...

GREGG LEAKES - I need two things before you leave for New York. A key to your house, and a key... to your heart. **sticks his tongue between his two fingers, flicks**

NENE LEAKES - **shudders** Ugh. All I know is that you need a key to the gym.

GREGG LEAKES - The softer the belly, the more yielding to the touch of a beautiful woman.**takes his stomach out from behind his shirt, shakes it**

NENE LEAKES - I think I'm going to be sick...

GREGG LEAKES - I wrote a poem for this very occasion. "Oh, to be a nibble fish here at Sexy Soles, so that I may ingest the dry, dead skin NeNe has sloughed off walking in unreasonable heels."

NENE LEAKES - **dry heaves** I think I hear Brent calling.

GREGG LEAKES - You mean the child you and I creating by pressing our loins close together in the Sports Authority dressing room? **starts to unzip his pants, NeNe runs out** Hey, where you going? I thought we'd make Brent 2.  

PEDICURIST - Sir, you're going to have to put your penis back in your pants now. 

GREGG LEAKES - Fine. You know, modern women just don't appreciate a true gentleman anymore.

Apollo and Phaedra talk in their kitchen...

APOLLO NIDA - Now that I've earned my fitness certification through a non-accredited online program, I'm qualified to put together your new Donkey Booty fitness tape!  

PHAEDRA PARKS - Tape? You mean DVD. 

APOLLO NIDA - Sorry. When I left for prison, they were still called tapes.

PHAEDRA PARKS - So, uh... what are your ideas? 

APOLLO NIDA - I dunno, work out n' stuff in front of a tripod. Maybe wear a wrestling singlet.

PHAEDRA PARKS  - Should I consider hiring an outside consultant?

APOLLO NIDA - Why would you do that? I'm certified!

PHAEDRA PARKS  - I guess you're right...

APOLLO NIDA - What do you think about doing the whole thing underwater?

PHAEDRA PARKS  - Um, will you excuse me while I make a phone call?

APOLLO NIDA - Sure, but don't take too long. I got about two more ideas to share with you that I'm going to make up while you're on your call.


The End.

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