Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 4 - "Uh Oh, Somebody's Crying!"

"Somebody's crying." - Chris Isaak and Adrienne Maloof

Adrienne and Lisa meet for lunch...

ADRIENNE MALOOF - You look soooo beautiful.


ADRIENNE MALOOF - Just fantastic. Great shirt.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Appreciate it.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - So, um, what about me? How do I look?  


ADRIENNE MALOOF - Check, please! **snaps fingers**

LISA VANDERPUMP - What? I just got here!

ADRIENNE MALOOF - If you're not going to play the Beverly Hills Rich Lady game of complimenting people's looks in lieu of a formal greeting, then this reconciliation isn't going to work.

LISA VANDERPUMP - I like your... hair tinsel?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - EEEEEH! WRONG! I got that tacky shit removed last year.

LISA VANDERPUMP- Nice, uh... **searches for something positive about Adrienne** feline-style eye surgery?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - That's a compliment for Paul, not me!

LISA VANDERPUMP - **thinks** Um.... I got it! I love the way that you're NOT wearing a pink cowgirl outfit today.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Alright, I'll take it. **chugs wine**

The ladies arrive at Ojai Inn and Spa...

KIM RICHARDS - Welcome, welcome!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Beautiful house, Kim. You own this?

KIM RICHARDS - Well, no...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So you rent it?

KIM RICHARDS  - Not exactly...

KYLE RICHARDS - It's a hotel and they're letting her pretend she's the host for a few hours. We're easing her back into the world of responsibility as part of her recovery process.

KIM RICHARDS - And "easing" means I just say things like "welcome" when people show up. This server dude here is actually the one who's gonna run the show.

SERVER DUDE - Welcome, ladies.

KIM RICHARDS - HEY! That's MY line!

SERVER DUDE - Sorry, I meant "hello." You can all plop down your shit next to the potato sack of your choice. You'll be sharing your bedroom room with another housewife and six or seven migrant workers, depending on the size of the space.

KIM RICHARDS - Yeah. What he said.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - This joint gives Oklahoma a run for its money.

KIM RICHARDS - Excuse me, what did you say?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - I said I'd rather be in a coma, honey.

KYLE RICHARDS - **whispers to Taylor** If someone hears you say something bitchy, you're supposed to follow up with something that sounds positive.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Shit. I'm just not that quick.

KYLE RICHARDS - **loudly, to Kim as if speaking to a small child** This is wonderful, sis! You're doing a great job!

KIM RICHARDS - Thank you! After Skim Milk Hour, we're going to do chicken salad shots in the kitchen!

KYLE RICHARDS - **whispers to other women** I'm gonna fake diarrhea later so we can get the fuck out of here.


Yolanda arrives in jeans...

YOLANDA FOSTER - What the tulips are you guys even WEARING?!?

KYLE RICHARDS - Oh, this old thing? It's just a t-shirt dress that actually cost over six grand and is also from Fred Segal.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Oh, this old thing? It really is old. I'm poor now.

YOLANDA FOSTER - This is Ojai, people. Where you're supposed to ride horses, grill ribs, and engage in Tantric sex sessions with ranch hands.

SERVER DUDE - Well, I've got great news for you. You'll be sharing sleeping quarters with another housewife and six or seven migrant workers, depending on the size of the space.

KIM RICHARDS - Stop stealing my thunder, asshole. **turns to Yolanda** I've got great news for you. You'll be sharing sleeping quarters with another housewife and six or seven migrant workers, depending on the size of the space.

After Lisa and Brandi arrive, the group gathers for dinner...

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I just want you to know, Kim, that your daughters hang around the same group of strange men that I hang around with.

KIM RICHARDS -  They hate you.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - I suspected as much, after I caught them trying to slip liquefied male hormones into my Pomtini. I slammed it anyway.

KIM RICHARDS - Wow. I would have done the same thing. Maybe you and I are more alike than I thought.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Maybe so. Listen... I'm sorry for saying you were doing crystal meth in the bathroom.

KIM RICHARDS - It's OK. I was.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - And if you ever need a refill on whatever pills you're popping now that you're "sober", I fuck a doctor sometimes who can help you out.  

KIM RICHARDS - Thank you. That means a lot. **starts to cry**

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Uh oh... somebody's crying!

BRANDI GLANVILLE - Sure, call it out.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - "Call it out?" What does that even mean? I do not recognize your Hep Cat slang.

BRANDI GLANVILLE - It means, shut the fuck up.



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