Monday, November 26, 2012

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 4 - "Unmoved"


At Kim's "Dream House"....

KIM ZOLCIAK - If I haven't made it clear over the past three episodes, it's time to move.

SWEETIE - Finally. The moving guys have been locked in the basement for six weeks without food or water. 

KIM ZOLCIAK - This place is haunted, Sweetie. Somebody tried to break in last summer!

SWEETIE - Unless the attempted break-in was perpetrated by ghosts, that does not prove the house is haunted.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Hey, smart ass, why don't you pitch in and help pack like everybody else?

ARIANA ZOLCIAK - **wrapped in shrink-wrap** Look at me! I'm wrapped in shrink-wrap!

KROY BIERMANN ZOLCIAK - **enters in full football pad regalia** Hey, Kim, what do you say we get you pregnant again, for old time's sake?

KIM ZOLCIAK - I'm already pregnant. You can't get pregnant again when you're already pregnant.

KROY BIERMANN ZOLCIAK - Is that so? Huh. Who knew? **leaves to return to the nationally-televised football game he left to try and get his wife double-pregnant**

Kenya "cooks" for her man...

KENYA MOORE - Hello, darling. Anything new in the glamorous world of tow trucks?

WALTER - Well, today, someone left their Sorrento in the middle of the highway, and I had to run through rush hour traffic to -

KENYA MOORE - Ok, that's enough. I was being sarcastic.

WALTER - Is that any way to talk to the Martin Luther King of towing companies?

KENYA MOORE - You're right. You've done more for civil rights in Atlanta than stupid Hosea Williams and his yucky uggo stinkers granddaughter Porsha Williams Stewart. YUCKY UGGO STINKERS! **stabs her chicken repeatedly with a knife**

WALTER - Calm down, honey. Why would you desecrate the chicken you spent hours upon hours slaving over in the kitchen?

KENYA MOORE - **breathes, smoothes her hair down** Sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm not a crazy lady, I promise.

WALTER - I know you're not.

KENYA MOORE - Would a crazy lady demand to be impregnated by someone they've lived in the same city as for a mere three months? I mean, c'mon.

WALTER - Say what now?

KENYA MOORE - Huh? Oh, nothing. Eat your homemade dinner before it gets cold.

At Ayden's birthday party...

DWIGHT EUBANKS - Welcome to the Georgia Aquarium for Ayden Nida's Second Birthday Party!

CROWD - Woooo! Yaaaay! Do it!

DWIGHT EUBANKS - That's what I like to hear, crowd. We've got quite a day planned for you. First, Phaedra Parks and her husband, Master Barber Apollo Nida will arrive on a train! Then, people will attach hundred-dolla-bills-y'all to Ayden's lapel! Then, we'll eat two cakes! Then, we'll watch a Broadway-reject sing about sea monsters while dolphins flip in the air! Then, ballet dancers will revisit their lovely routine from Phaedra's baby shower! Then, we'll have cocktail hour with a real live whale! And then, we'll have a crazy gay orgy.


DWIGHT EUBANKS - Haha, I just threw that last one in there to see if you were awake.

**Silence, because everyone in the crowd is asleep** 

DWIGHT EUBANKS - And it appears as though you are not. Awake, that is.


DWIGHT EUBANKS - How dreadful.

Cynthia and NeNe eat lunch with dogs in NYC...

NENE LEAKES -  Hey! That dog looks like a wolf.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - You're right! It does! **they nibble in silence**

NENE LEAKES - Oh! I forgot to tell you. Phaedra's mythical magical rump accidentally called someone and said it was glad you couldn't come to Ayden's birthday party.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Wait - Phaedra said that, or her mythical magical rump said it?

NENE LEAKES - Does it matter?


NENE LEAKES - Forget it. **they continue to nibble in silence** Hey! That dog looks like Diana Agron.

The End.

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