Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 5 - "N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T-I-C"

There's nothing TJ Lavin hates more than quitters. Except ghosts.

A week after the teams gather for the Arena, the next episode continues...

DEVYN - We've been frozen in this position all week. Can we compete now?

TJ LAVIN - Hey, you big baby. Kenny and Evan would kill to be in your shoes right now.

JT  - My shoes have disintegrated because we've been standing in the same exact pose for seven days. And I swim with dolphins for a living. 

DEVYN - Thanks for throwing that dolphin fact in there, unnecessarily.

JT  - Always.  

TJ LAVIN - You know what? You're all a bunch of whiners. And if there's one thing I hate more than anything else, it's whiners.

BIG EASY - Even more than quitters?

CAMILA - Why do you ask? You're not thinking about quitting, are you?

BIG EASY - Pshaw, of course not!

TJ LAVIN - The endurance challenge for today involves dunking your teammate in a vat of Earl Grey while you make a pretty mosaic.

BIG EASY - Yeah, fuck that. I'm out. **starts to walk away**

CAMILA - Don't you dare quit, you fat loser!

BIG EASY - Oh, so now somebody who continually lets down their teammates season after season because they're out of shape and lazy is a fat loser?

CAMILA - Um... yes?

BIG EASY - Well, I make my OWN DECISIONS, bitch. And my OWN DECISION is to lose everybody's respect so I can go home and catch up on "Dexter".  

TJ LAVIN - If I may ask, Big Easy, why do you bother even coming on these challenges?

BIG EASY - Isn't it obvious? **starts heavy petting with Devyn**

TJ LAVIN - I see.

The teams arrive to a row of La-Z Boys positions over shark-infested water...

TJ LAVIN - I've got some trivia questions for you guys.

SARAH - Perfect, because on my business card, it says "Sadomasochist.  Dingleberry. Trivia Master."

TJ LAVIN  - That's fantastic, Sarah. Alright, everybody sit in the chairs and we'll get started. Chet, who invented the wheel?

CHET - God. 

TJ LAVIN - WRONG! The answer is "Nobody knows." **flips him into the water** Nany, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

NANY - 87. I have a small tongue.

TJ LAVIN - WRONG! The answer is "N/A, because I like to bite them." **flips her into the water** Frank, who won the season of The Challenge called "The Dungeon"?

FRANK - Cara Maria and Abram? 

TJ LAVIN - WRONG! The answer is "That's not a real season so shut up."
**flips him into the water** You guys really suck at this game. LOL.

At the Arena...

TJ LAVIN - Preston, throw and catch balls.


TJ LAVIN - McKenzie took the bait! So immature.

MCKENZIE - No, I'm not! **picks her nose, flicks it**

TJ LAVIN  - Let's get the show on the road here. I've got Turkish chicks with faint mustaches to bang. **the arena begins**

CHET - THIS ONE'S FOR MITT ROMNEY!!!!! **he and Sarah dominate, winning the challenge**

TJ LAVIN -  Preston and McKenzie, this ends your time here in Turkey. 

PRESTON - Sayonara, Turkey. Gobble gobble.

MCKENZIE - Hehe. Gobble gobble. Yeah, you do.  

PRESTON - Grow up.


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