Monday, October 15, 2012

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion - Part 3

Don't sniff the elephant.

At the Borgata Hotel, Casino and Spa in Atlantic City, New Jersey...

ANDY COHEN - Hey Husbands.


JOE GIUDICE - Whatever.  

JOE GORGA - Hiya. **winks, licks his lips**

RICHARD WAKILE -Ahlan. That's "Hello" in Lebanese. At least that's what Wikipedia tells me.

ANDY COHEN - I'd like to first discuss how Richie gave Juicy a black eye.

TERESA GIUDICE - Excuse me, Richie did not give my husband a black eye. Richie beat my husband up and then it was the broken capillaries or whatever that gave him a black eye.

JOE GIUDICE - I can fight my own battles, Tre. Who cares? Whatever.

RICHARD WAKILE - You see, Andy, we were playing Grab Ass in the basement. Except instead of grabbing asses, we were grabbing penises.

ANDY COHEN - As one does.

RICHARD WAKILE - Yeah. So then Joe grabbed with a little too much, uh, passion, which gave me an erection.

KATHY WAKILE - And might I add that erections are perfectly natural.

ANDY COHEN - Natural at a men's only poker game. Got it.

RICHARD WAKILE - So then I pushed him into a soft couch cushion, and the rest is history. 

JOE GIUDICE - Who cares? Whatever. Go scratch.

After commercial break, Joe Gorga talks about how he put himself through college. The real shocker here is that he went to college.

JOE GORGA - I used to dance in an elephant G-string at the Crusty Taint over in Elizabeth. Maybe I could dance for you sometime, Andy.

ANDY COHEN - I would like that very much.

JOE GORGA - To my surprise, I would also like that very much. **they make extended eye contact**

**uncomfortable silence**

MELISSA GORGA - Can we move on, please?

ANDY COHEN   - **shifts in his seat** Whoops, sorry. I was lost in my head, wondering what that elephant G-string might smell like.

TERESA GIUDICE - Not as good as you'd think. Trust me.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - On that note, I'd like to address the elephant in the room.

ANDY COHEN - I think we just did.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - No, I mean the rumor Juicy's been spreading about Chris and I meeting in a strip club in Las Vegas.

CHRIS LAURITA - It's all a lie. We met at a strip club in Chicago.

ANDY COHEN - Phew. I'm really glad that's cleared up.



After this commercial break, Teresa and Joe Gorga discuss their failed relationship...

JOE GORGA - You took away my Mommy and Daddy! 

TERESA GIUDICE - No, I didn't! They're just disappointed to have a 35-year-old son who still calls them Mommy and Daddy!

MELISSA GORGA - Look in my eyes, Teresa. As long as I live, I will hate you with the fire of a million suns.

JOE GIUDICE - Speakin' a' sons,  maybe if we had some of those, none of this shit would even be happening.

ANDY COHEN - Wait... are you suggesting that this feud is fueled by jealousy that Teresa has been unable to produce a male heir?

JOE GIUDICE - Whatever. Who cares?

ANDY COHEN - Aaaaaand, just when I think we're finally getting somewhere, I'm reminded that we're dealing with people who fuck in grapes for the cameras.

KIM D. - **from a sealed cardboard Amazon box behind the couches** Is it finally time for me to come out, Andy?

ANDY COHEN - I'm actually quite happy with where you are.

KIM D.  - If this is what it's going to take for me to become an official Housewife, I'll stay in here forever.

ANDY COHEN - Well, when forever comes, we'll start negotiations. 

KIM D. - Ok, cool!

The End.

No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal