Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons Episode 2 - "Perks Of Being A Rookie"

He's sexy and TJ knows it.

At da club...

FRANK - Now that Scheming Fire Crotch has left the building, let's party TURKISH-STYLE!

MELINDA - Does partying " TURKISH-STYLE!" mean hugging and crying over your crumbling relationship? Because that's what Jemmye and Knight are doing right now.

FRANK - No, it does not. Please go put a stop to that shit.

MELINDA - **approaches Jemmye and Knight** Kids, as someone who has divorced another someone from this franchise of reality television shows, I'd like to give you some advice: don't ever listen to my advice.

JEMMYE - So should I listen to your advice not to listen to your advice?

KNIGHT - My love handles are confused. 

MELINDA - Forget it. Let's just all silently watch Zach and Jonna flirt to remind us of how we used to be.

**they silently watch Zach and Jonna flirt**

ZACH - Can you guys, like, stop? 

MELINDA - Sorry.

The teams meet with TJ at an oil pit...

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to an oil pit. 

FRANK - Wow. If I lived in Turkey, I'd really save on lube.

TJ LAVIN - Gross. Your challenge for today is to wrestle, and whoever I think looks the sexiest is the winner.

TREY - Seems fair to me. **admires his reflection in the oil**

TJ LAVIN - Haha, get real, rookie. **starts massaging Zach's pecs** Why don't you go first, Thor? Here's a bathing cap - I'd hate to see those locks get oily.

ZACH - Uh, thanks.

TJ LAVIN - Dustin, why don't you take him on?

DUSTIN - Not fair! It's clear who you think is sexier - you've already massaged his pectoral muscles!

TJ LAVIN - I can do yours, too, if you want.

DUSTIN - No thanks. I'm only gay for pay.

TJ LAVIN - As you wish. Ready, set... OIL WRESTLE REAL SEXY-LIKE!

**they do**

TJ LAVIN - Ok, you can stop now. Great job, Zach. I haven't gotten a stiffy like that since my traumatic brain injury.

CAMILA - **looking at Brooklyn** So I guess it's pretty obvious who comes in last...

TJ LAVIN - Yep. With a goth, a fatty, and the pastiest Brazilian I've ever seen, it's safe to say that Rotting Carcasses is a more apt team name than Fresh Meat. You lose.

In the arena...

TJ LAVIN - Divorced Couple, you will face Goth and Fatty.

BIG EASY - Excuse me? There's more to me than just my weight.

TJ LAVIN - You're right. Divorced Couple, you will face Goth and Ginger Fatty.  

DANNY - So I just have to push balls at Melinda?

MELINDA - Sounds a lot like our marriage.

TJ LAVIN - That's right. Push 'em, and push 'em hard.

**Cara Maria and Big Easy push 'em harder and win the challenge**

CARA MARIA - I haven't been this elated since Abram carved his initials into my pubic mound with a squirrel's femur bone.

TJ LAVIN - Well, um, I'm happy to hear that.

DANNY - Melinda, being reunited with you was like a fairy tale. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

MELINDA - **texting her boyfriend** Huh? You say something?  

DANNY - Nuthin'. **grunts**


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