Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Challenge, Battle of the Seasons: Episode 1 - "Tis the Season"

Sometimes a self-proclaimed "mastermind" is really just a ginger from Kansas.

In Turkey...

TJ LAVIN - Welcome, young and old!

TRISCHELLE - You can just call me by my name. 

ALTON - Same here.

TJ LAVIN - Ok - Welcome, young and Trischelle/Alton! You're all being reunited with your cast mates from your season of Real World, for... wait for it... BATTLE OF THE SEASONS!

WES - Where are all the people who matter? 

TJ LAVIN - Kenny, Evan, and Bananas haven't scored well with test audiences since 2007. We're finally taking action. Now let's all have a seat on this afghan Trischelle was kind enough to knit and get to know each other.

Austin gets reacquainted...

LACEY -  So, Danny and Melinda... you two are divorced now.

DANNY - Yep. And who are you?

LACEY - Lacey? I lived with you for three months? Watched Melinda walk around the house in her underwear?

MELINDA - Hey! Those were booty shorts. There's a difference.

WES - Well, guys, I think we've got a good shot at winning this thing. The newer seasons revere me - er, I mean, us - so we can treat them like our own little monkeys.

**Big Easy comes barreling through the hallway, knocking Wes unconscious. Wes is sent home**

Cancun gets reacquainted...

JONNA - I'm really feeling Zach from San Diego. He's like Thor but from Michigan.

CJ - Can we talk about something other than who you want to fuck for once?  

JASMINE - Oh no you didn't talk to Jonna like that! **starts kicking and punching in the air** HOLD ME BACK! HOLD ME BACK!

DERRICK - Anybody want to hold her back?

JONNA - Not particularly.

JASMINE - You guys suck.

San Diego gets reacquainted...

ZACH  - Frank, I'm glad we've formed a friendship based on our mutual hatred of Ashley.

FRANK - Me too! 

SAM - Don't forget I hate Ashley, too. Girl needs to lay off the eyebrow pencil.

FRANK - Why don't you go fuck your fat girlfriend, you bitch!!!!!!!!!


FRANK - Sorry. Too much red wine. **curls up in a ball on the floor, passes out**

Brooklyn gets reacquainted...

SARAH - I'm never going to win with you losers on my team.

JD - You think someone who works with dolphins for a living is a loser?

DEVYN - And someone in their mid-20s who competes at state-level pageants in Missouri? That's a loser to you?

CHET - Ha, I bet you probably also think closeted Mormons who monogram every item of clothing they own are losers, too, huh?

SARAH - TJ? Can I join the Fresh Meat team?

TJ LAVIN - Once you see who's on the Fresh Meat team, you'll be glad you're stuck with these losers.

JD  - HEY!

TJ LAVIN - Sorry. I calls 'em like a sees 'em.

Fresh Meat gets reacquainted...

BIG EASY -  I've lost 70 pounds, and I'm ready to compete!

CAMILA - Losing the weight you've gained during the off-season doesn't really count.

CARA MARIA - Hey! He's trying the best he can!

BRANDON - Carlos Mencia tries the best he can, but that doesn't mean he should be on television.

CARA MARIA - Ok, that's true.

New Orleans gets reacquainted...

MACKENZIE - You know who I wish was here?  That dude that used to dry his arm with a hair dryer.


MACKENZIE - Yeah. That guy.

KNIGHT - Well, I wish Veronica was here. I grew up jerking off to her on The Challenges.

JEMMYE - Grew up?

KNIGHT - Sorry. I stayed emotionally stunted while jerking off to her on The Challenges. Are you ever gonna let this cheating thing go?


Las Vegas gets reacquainted...

DUSTIN -  I'm disease-free, and ready to WIN!

NANY - So you finally got tested?

DUSTIN - No. Just assuming.

TRISCHELLE - Hi, young' uns. I'm Trischelle, the first person to ever have a hot tub threesome on a reality television show.

DUSTIN - Ha! Talk to me after you've given bee jays to five guys at once while being filmed with a camcorder.

ALTON - I'm Alton. I used to roll around on a bed with another cast member. And exercise sometimes.

NANY - Nice to meet you.


ALTON - Well, this is sufficiently awkward...

The groups reconvene...

TJ LAVIN - Alright, now that you all have had time to catch up -

MARIE - Excuse me? You forgot about St. Thomas.

TJ LAVIN - You guys just left the island on Tuesday.

ROBB - So? A lot can happen in three days. You could break up with your girlfriend via text message...

LAURA - Dye your hideous red hair brown...

TREY - Get a girl pregnant and help her get un-pregnant...

TJ LAVIN - Ok, you've made your point. Let's kick off the season by climbing up ladders.


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