Friday, September 14, 2012

Real Housewives of Miami: Season 2, Episode 1 - "A Tale of Two Miamis"

Napoleon loves drugs.

Catching up with Marysol and Mama Elsa...

MARYSOL PATTON - Whelp, Philippe and I are getting a divorce.

MAMA ELSA - I am shocked that things between you and the much-younger Frenchman with no green card who insisted on marrying a US citizen right before his visa expired didn't work out.

MARYSOL PATTON - Me too. Guess that's just how the ropa vieja wrinkles. Hey, where's Napoleon?

MAMA ELSA - Resting in the closet. Sing to me, please.

MARYSOL PATTON - I thought that's why we hired a maid.

MAMA ELSA - She's watching her telenovela.

MARYSOL PATTON - Fine. Ahem. **sings** Besame.... Besame muuuuucho...

MAMA ELSA - Eh, nevermind. I'll wait until the telenovela ends.

Catching up with Adriana De Moura...

FREDERICK - I have a surprise for you. 

ADRIANA DE MOURA - You've finally set a date for our wedding?

FREDERICK - Haha, yeah right. **unlocks door to boat house** Tada! 

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Frederick, you know I hate cheesy seafood restaurants. All those nasty fake barnacles...

FREDERICK - No, this is our new house boat.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - But it's gross and old.

FREDERICK - That never stopped you from dating me....


Meeting Joanna Krupa...

MARTA KRUPA, JOANNA'S SISTER - You know all that standing and posing you just did? 

JOANNA KRUPA - Yep. I'm exhausted.

MARTA KRUPA - Well, I've got news for you. You're not even going to be on the cover of Ocean Drive. You're going to be on the INSIDE pages!

JOANNA KRUPA - The INSIDE pages?!?! That's fucking disgusting!


JOANNA KRUPA - That was a solid ten minutes worth of standing and posing! Somebody's going to lose their job over this!

MARTA KRUPA - But not me though, right?

JOANNA KRUPA - You don't have a job.

MARTA KRUPA - Oh yeah.

Meeting Lisa Hochstein...

DR. LENNY HOCKSTEIN -  Great news - we got the house on Star Island!!!!

LISA HOCHSTEIN - Is it next to Gloria? 

DR. LENNY HOCKSTEIN - Well, only two families can really live next to Gloria...

LISA HOCHSTEIN - Is it next to Gloria? 

DR. LENNY HOCKSTEIN - We'll be two doors down from Ricky Martin's cousin! 

LISA HOCHSTEIN -  Is it next to Gloria? 

DR. LENNY HOCKSTEIN - No. I'm afraid it's not. But Lea Black will be living nearby, so there's that. 

LISA HOCHSTEIN - If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom pouring acid in your retinol tubes. **walks away**


Meeting Karent Sierra at the breakfast table...

RODOLFO JIMENEZ, KARENT'S BOYFRIEND -  I better hit the road... filming in Mexico starts tomorrow. 

KARENT SIERRA - It's so sad to think of you in your hotel room at night, all alone...

RODOLFO JIMENEZ - Don't worry. There will likely be a blonde to keep me company.

KARENT'S PARENTS - **very angry** No es chistoso! 

RODOLFO JIMENEZ - You named your daughter "Karent", so fuck off. 

 The End.


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