Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Bachelor Pad Season 3 - Episode 3

If Ed left, nobody else would ever be drunk enough to make out with Jaclyn.

Outside the Mansion...

CHRIS HARRISON - Our competition for today is the cleverly-named "Hot Sludge Funday!"


CHRIS HARRISON - I know, right? So, pair up with someone you hate, and get ready to laugh at them as they do stuff fat people do.

KALON MCMAHON - Or, in the case of my partner Erica Rose, do what she normally does. **makes PacMan gesture**

ERICA ROSE - Fuck off, Patrick Bateman.

**the teams perform the relay race, but Ed gets stuck in a vat of "fudge" that might actually be liquified animal feces - nobody's really sure**


CHRIS HARRISON - Jamie, he's your partner. 

JAMIE OTIS - I'm not taking responsibility for that loser. I've already got to deal with myself. **looks longingly at Chris**

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - It's not you. It's me.

**Ed drowns**

David wins the three-on-one date...

DAVID MALLET -**reads from date card** Ladies, please join me as we dress up in prom gear and give hand jobs to each other in the gym supply closet.

BLAKELEY JONES - The card doesn't really say that, does it?


BLAKELEY JONES - Then I'm game.

JAMIE OTIS - This prom date really means a lot to me. I don't know if you've heard my back story -

BLAKELEY JONES - We've all heard your back story. Your mom croaked, you adopted your siblings, lived in a trailer, blah blah blah... I worked at Hooters, ok? NUDE PANTYHOSE.

DAVID MALLET - So, um, about that date card...

BLAKELEY JONES - Go in the supply closet and count to 100. We'll meet you in there with a big surprise.

DAVID MALLET - Ok! **goes in supply closet**

BLAKELEY JONES - **to Jamie** Let's get the fuck out of here.

At the elimination ceremony...

CHRIS HARRISON - Reid, I commend you on your valiant effort to get rid of Ed, but that vat of hot "fudge" took care of the job for you.

JACLYN SWARTZ - Um, excuse me? I'd like to say a few words.

CHRIS HARRISON - Please don't.

JACLYN SWARTZ - It'll only take a second. Reid, your dishonesty was totally transparent and I despise you for trying to destroy the one person in the world who ever gave me male attention, even though he was drunk 99% of the time he gave me said male attention.

CHRIS HARRISON - That was ten seconds. Donna, I've got some bad news for you...

DONNA ZITELLI - Nick has oral herpes?  

CHRIS HARRISON - Well, yes, but that wasn't what I was going to say. Your time here at the Bachelor Pad has ended. 

DONNA ZITELLI - Eh, it was a good run. I got to wiggle my tongue in Michael Stagliano's mouth. Couldn't ask for much more than that.

CHRIS HARRISON - I like your attitude, in addition to your large breasts and ample bottom.

DONNA ZITELLI - Thank you.


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