Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 9 Fantasy Dates

Now Sean can return to tending to the bodies in his backyard.

On the fantasy date with Sean in Curacao...

EMILY MAYNARD - **hands Sean a card** Read this aloud.

SEAN LOWE - "Happy Birthday to the Best Grandma in the Confederacy."

EMILY MAYNARD -  Whoops. Wrong card. **puts it back in her purse, hands him a different card.**

SEAN LOWE  -  "Please ef me good in the fantasy suite." **puts down card** Emily, you know darned well that we don't have penises. I'd have to use rolled-up socks, and you're far too good for that.

EMILY MAYNARD - No, Chris Harrison wrote that. All I want is some serious bathing-suit cuddle-time. Remember, I'm a mom, and moms can't have sex after they give birth.

SEAN LOWE  - **eyes start to close** Uh oh. I think I need to be recharged.

EMILY MAYNARD - Oh shit, again? Your battery life keeps getting shorter.

SEAN LOWE  - **sputtering**  Please p-p-p-lug iiiii.... **battery dies**  

EMILY MAYNARD - **looks back and forth between socket and cord** Nah. **walks out**

On the fantasy date with Jef in Curacao...

JEF HOLM - **reads fantasy suite card aloud** "Please rub where my nuts would be if I had some. Love, Emily."

EMILY MAYNARD  - I didn't write that. It was Chris Harrison.

JEF HOLM - Shhh. This is the kind of stuff I love about you. Irreverent sexual come-ons, ironic veneers...

EMILY MAYNARD  - Ironic? Ok, we'll go with that.

JEF HOLM  - But you know I can't rub you where your nuts would be, because Ricky looks up to you, and she needs to grow up to be a chaste weirdo. 

EMILY MAYNARD - But more because you're Mormon, and you need the entire municipality of Salt Lake looking down on your values like you need a hole in your four-inch coif. 

JEF HOLM - It's six inches. But, yes. Exactly. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Ok. I guess we can just jump off of stuff holding hands.

JEF HOLM - Sounds great!  **they jump off of stuff holding hands**

On the fantasy date with Arie in Curacao... 

ARIE LUYENDYK JR  - **reads fantasy suite card aloud** "Please lick my B-hole for hours in the fantasy suite." Kinky. I'm in.

EMILY MAYNARD  - Chris Harrison wrote that.

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Well, let's get him in on the action, too.

EMILY MAYNARD - Arie, I'm afraid of what I might do if we're alone together.

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - We won't be alone. Chris is a free man now.

EMILY MAYNARD - No... I don't think I should be doing any, you know... sex things. I'm a mom.

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - That's ludicrous. Moms got to be moms by fucking.

EMILY MAYNARD - Hmmm. Good point. **they do it all night long**


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