Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bachelor Pad, Season 3 - Episode 2

Jamie would like to switch partners, because her current partner is a lame 32-year-old virgin who can't drive.

On the lawn...

CHRIS HARRISON - Today, you're going to learn a routine from the Olympic event nobody cares about.

JACLYN SWARTZ -  Dressage?

CHRIS HARRISON - The other Olympic event nobody cares about. Ribbon-shaking.

**The girls perform their ribbon-shaking routine, somebody loses an eye and somebody else catches AIDS**

JUDGE ASHLEY HEBERT - I think it's safe to say whoever just caught AIDS is the loser.

JUDGE JP ROSENBUAM - Exactly. An eye can be popped back in the socket.

JUDGE ASHLEY HEBERT - See, this is why I love you. You get me.

**The guys perform their ribbon-shaking routine, it is a work of beauty on par with the final number in Center Stage**  

JUDGE JP ROSENBUAM - **wipes a tear from his eye** Michael, has anybody ever told you that you are the second coming of Maria Tallchief? 

MICHAEL STAGLIANO - Nope. I'm only 5'2"...

Later that night, peeps get to partyin'...

DAVID MALLET - **making out with one of the twins responsible for the phrase "Twinning"** Slob slob slob, om nom nom nom.  

RACHAEL TRUEHART - **making out with Michael Stagliano after a very successful date dancing to a band that might be The Calling** Slob slob slob, om nom nom nom. 

SARAH NEWLON - **making out with Ed's penis while he shouts things in Spanish**  Slob slob slob, om nom nom nom.

Blakeley takes some dudes out on a Soap Box Derby date...

ED SWIDERSKI - I'm in a pickle! Get it? Because my soap box car looks like a pickle? Wooooo! **wins race**

BLAKELEY JONES - Oh god. This doesn't mean I have to make out with... Ed, does it?

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - If it means I don't have to make out with you, then yes.

BLAKELEY JONES - Haha, you're funny. Always joking around.  

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Um, that's me! Haha. **clears throat uncomfortably**

At the rose ceremony held in a driveway... 

CHRIS HARRISON - Well, one of the twins had her period, so they both went home.  

JAMIE OTIS - Does everybody have to go home if they have their period? Cuz I'm on day two over here. 

CHRIS HARRISON - No. And, ew. The person who is going home tonight is... Ryan, the 32-year-old virgin. 

RYAN HOAG - But I put rose petals on somebody's bed! 

ERICA ROSE - You're not supposed to put rose petals on somebody's bed unless you're going to fuck on top of them, dumbass. 

RYAN HOAG - I don't know these things! I'm a 32-year-old virgin! Is there some manual I need to consult? Instructional videos? Class at the local YMCA - 

CHRIS HARRISON - Not our problem. Bye. 

ED SWIDERSKI - **approaches Sarah** Bet you're feelin' pretty weird after you swam topless with me and then gave me a bj and then voted me off and then told me you were voting me off, huh? 

SARAH NEWLON - In a word, yes. 

ED SWIDERSKI - Well, I'm willing to let bygones by bygones. **pulls down his pants, points** 

SARAH NEWLON - Chris? Help me out here? 

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry, gotta go. Hoping to put in a last ditch-effort with the twins before they catch their flight. **runs off**


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