Monday, June 18, 2012

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 - "Best Friends for Never"

I don't want to know what she's planning on doing with those fingers. Ok, yes I do.

Jacqueline and Teresa meet on the Patio of Truth...

 JACQUELINE LAURITA - Life and Style Magazine says you're going to jail, Teresa.

TERESA GIUDICE - You believe everything you read? Yesterday the Wall Street Journal said someone ate a homeless man's face!

JACQUELINE LAURITA -  I just don't understand how one minute you're declaring bankruptcy -

TERESA GIUDICE - "Doing" bankruptcy.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Ok, doing bankruptcy, and the next you're installing chandeliers in your garage.

TERESA GIUDICE - How do you expect us to make tomato sauce in the garage if we can't see good?

GOD - **interrupting** Why are you screaming?  

TERESA GIUDICE - Aaahhhh! It's Judgment Day! I'm sorry for tweeting Danielle Staub and letting my husband call that dance teacher a gaylord!!!!

GOD, AKA CAROLINE MANZO - Cool your jets. I'm just here to drop off some baby clothes. Has nothing to do with cameras and contracts.

TERESA GIUDICE - Caroline? It's you? This is an ambush! This is like when Ramona surprised Jill by hiding Bethenny in the closet!

CAROLINE MANZO - Except this an ambush to tell you that we hate you.


 At the Manzo Boys' Hoboken Fuck Pad...

CHRIS MANZO  - Hey, Fat Sister. We invited you here so we could eat pizza and you could watch.

ALBIE MANZO - Mmm. This is the best pizza directly west of the Meatpacking District and directly north of Jersey City, and in the particular strip mall we ordered if from.

CHRIS MANZO - Wow.  It tastes better than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt looks.

GREG BENNETT - Damn. Will you look at this amazing grease? Shining like a three-headed fish saved from an oil spill in the East River.

ALBIE MANZO  - Jealous, Lauren?

LAUREN MANZO - I'll stick with my pepperoni and cheese salad, thanks. It's about health. 

GREG BENNETT - Fine, but just know that you'll end up getting lap band surgery and appearing on the cover of US Weekly anyway. 

LAUREN MANZO   - Shut up. You don't know anything.

Jacqueline Skypes with her ex-husband on the Patio of Truth...

JACQUELINE LAURITA - How's the worst child since the Menendez brothers doing? Settling in?

MATT HOLMES - Did you know she changed the spelling of her name to Ashlee? What the fuck?

JACQUELINE LAURITA -  Damn hipsters.

MATT HOLMES - We posted a Chore Chart, and she ignored it because she claimed she doesn't know who "Ashley" is.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hold on one sec. **chugs 40 oz bottle of malt liquor** Ah. That's better. What else? 

MATT HOLMES  - Her stupid floppy hats are strewn all over the house. I found one in my freakin' underwear drawer. 

JACQUELINE LAURITA - **chugs second bottle** Yep. Sounds like Ashley. Er, Ashlee. 

MATT HOLMES  - And she still hasn't found a job. Claims her Catholic middle school education makes Whataburger beneath her. She didn't even graduate high school! 

JACQUELINE LAURITA - **chugs third bottle** Kids. Always makin' a mess and plantin' seeds and lovin' a whole lotta nothin'. Know what I mean? **hiccups** 

MATT HOLMES - Huh? This is serious. Ashley has blonde hair and black eyebrows! What are you even talking about? 

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Dunno. I'm fucked up. **slams laptop shut, burps**


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