 |
| I don't want to know what she's planning on doing with those fingers. Ok, yes I do. |
Jacqueline and Teresa meet on the Patio of Truth...
JACQUELINE LAURITA - Life and Style Magazine says you're going to jail, Teresa.
TERESA GIUDICE - You believe everything you read? Yesterday the Wall Street Journal said someone ate a homeless man's face!
JACQUELINE LAURITA - I just don't understand how one minute you're declaring bankruptcy -
TERESA GIUDICE - "Doing" bankruptcy.
JACQUELINE LAURITA - Ok, doing bankruptcy, and the next you're installing chandeliers in your garage.
TERESA GIUDICE - How do you expect us to make tomato sauce in the garage if we can't see good?
GOD - **interrupting** Why are you screaming?
TERESA GIUDICE - Aaahhhh! It's Judgment Day! I'm sorry for tweeting Danielle Staub and letting my husband call that dance teacher a gaylord!!!!
GOD, AKA CAROLINE MANZO - Cool your jets. I'm just here to drop off some baby clothes. Has nothing to do with cameras and contracts.
TERESA GIUDICE - Caroline? It's you? This is an ambush! This is like when Ramona surprised Jill by hiding Bethenny in the closet!
CAROLINE MANZO - Except this an ambush to tell you that we hate you.
TERESA GIUDICE - Oh.
At the Manzo Boys' Hoboken Fuck Pad...
CHRIS MANZO - Hey, Fat Sister. We invited you here so we could eat pizza and you could watch.
ALBIE MANZO - Mmm. This is the best pizza directly west of the Meatpacking District and directly north of Jersey City, and in the particular strip mall we ordered if from.
CHRIS MANZO - Wow. It tastes better than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt looks.
GREG BENNETT - Damn. Will you look at this amazing grease? Shining like a three-headed fish saved from an oil spill in the East River.
ALBIE MANZO - Jealous, Lauren?
LAUREN MANZO - I'll stick with my pepperoni and cheese salad, thanks. It's about health.
GREG BENNETT - Fine, but just know that you'll end up getting lap band surgery and appearing on the cover of US Weekly anyway.
LAUREN MANZO - Shut up. You don't know anything.
Jacqueline Skypes with her ex-husband on the Patio of Truth...
JACQUELINE LAURITA - How's the worst child since the Menendez brothers doing? Settling in?
MATT HOLMES - Did you know she changed the spelling of her name to Ashlee? What the fuck?
JACQUELINE LAURITA - Damn hipsters.
MATT HOLMES - We posted a Chore Chart, and she ignored it because she claimed she doesn't know who "Ashley" is.
JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hold on one sec. **chugs 40 oz bottle of malt liquor** Ah. That's better. What else?
MATT HOLMES - Her stupid floppy hats are strewn all over the house. I found one in my freakin' underwear drawer.
JACQUELINE LAURITA - **chugs second bottle** Yep. Sounds like Ashley. Er, Ashlee.
MATT HOLMES - And she still hasn't found a job. Claims her Catholic middle school education makes Whataburger beneath her. She didn't even graduate high school!
JACQUELINE LAURITA - **chugs third bottle** Kids. Always makin' a mess and plantin' seeds and lovin' a whole lotta nothin'. Know what I mean? **hiccups**
MATT HOLMES - Huh? This is serious. Ashley has blonde hair and black eyebrows! What are you even talking about?
JACQUELINE LAURITA - Dunno. I'm fucked up. **slams laptop shut, burps**
THE END.
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