Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 6

Wolf plays the dead grandparents card. Literally, he has a card.

Emily takes Travis on a date in Croatia...

TRAVIS POPE - On a scale of one to eight, you are a twelve.

EMILY MAYNARD - A scale of eight?

TRAVIS POPE - I'm from Mississippi. Lowest ranked education system in the country.

EMILY MAYNARD - I see. Well, I'm having a great time on this date.


EMILY MAYNARD - It's kind of comparable to when I take my grandparents to Shoney's. They're always so grateful.

TRAVIS POPE - Oh. So I guess I'm going a third year without sex.

EMILY MAYNARD  - See? Mississippi schools are not that bad. You picked up on my cue of sexual disgust pretty quickly!

TRAVIS POPE - Thank you. ** goes home, cries** 

Emily takes Ryan on a date in Croatia...

RYAN  BOWERS Hey, baby girl. I could have had any arena football slut I wanted, but I choose you.  

EMILY MAYNARD  - Wow. I'm flattered.

RYAN  BOWERS - You should be. Not every guy can carve devil horns into his facial hair.

EMILY MAYNARD- So am I really up to your standards, Ryan? I'm of the opinion that arena football is sad.   

RYAN  BOWERS  - Well, if you meet the following criteria, we can fuck 2 together 4 ever. **opens piece of loose-leaf paper** Ahem. **reads*
Big Fat Ass.
Subservient enough to wash dishes and give perfect blow jobs at the same time, oh, which also means you must be a multi-tasker.
Knows I'm the coolest dude in all of Augusta, even when Phil Mickelson is in town.
Will have sex with me in a glass box so all my friends can watch - 
EMILY MAYNARD - Stop right there. I don't think I meet your criteria.

RYAN  BOWERS  - You'll get there. Just do more squats.

EMILY MAYNARD -  No, I think I don't meet your criteria because I really dislike you. As a human being.

RYAN  BOWERS - I find that shocking. **rubs her vulva under the table** Am I changing your mind, baby doll?

EMILY MAYNARD - That's actually my asshole. So, no.

In a blatant cross-promotion segment, the group screens Disney's "Brave" and competes in Highland Games...

EMILY MAYNARD - Today, we are going to disregard Croatia's entire culture and history, and participate in Scottish activities instead!  


EMILY MAYNARD - Throw this log far. If you do good, you win. 

DOUG CLERGET  - I'm ready to throw a few logs, after that five dollar Croatian buffet last night. 


DOUG CLERGET - I'm a parent. Cut me some slack. 

SEAN LOWE - Watch this display of Aryan perfection, Emily. **throws log good** 

JEF HOLM - Watch this display of hipster androgyny, Emily. **does not throw log good** 

CHRIS BUKOWSKI -Watch this display of Midwestern mediocrity, Emily.**throws log average** 

EMILY MAYNARD - Hmmm. I like mediocrity. Makes me look extra awesome and blonde by comparison. Please have this rose, Chris.

Before the rose ceremony... 

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - I'm worried you're going to send me home, so I'm breaking out the big guns.

EMILY MAYNARD - But Croatia is a peaceful country. I think. 

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - No, not actual guns. Cards from my grandparents' funerals. 

EMILY MAYNARD  - Very smart. By showing me these weird cards, I can't send you home or else I'll risk looking like someone who doesn't care about grandparents.   

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - Exaaaactly. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Just one second. **runs into the hall to find Chris Harrison smoking a cigarette with a PA** Chris? We got an emergency. I can't send Doug home because he keeps whining about his kid. And I can't send Wolf home because he played the dead grandparents card. Literally. 

CHRIS HARRISON - **takes a drag of his cigarette, exhales** God fuckin' damnit. This guy's smooth. 


CHRIS HARRISON - Fine, keep them both. Oh, FYI, I'm getting a divorce. Love is a sham. Now get out of my face.


The End.

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