Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 7

Chris addresses the "scandal" from Los Angeles...

CHRIS HARRISON - Hello. I'm fresh divorcee Chris Harrison, coming to you from Los Angeles while the rest of the cast is in Prague, so you know shit's fucked up. We have a scandal on our hands, one that rivals the time I let Jake Pavelka blow me in an abandoned boat house in Golden Gate Park.

CAMERA MAN - Nobody knows about that, Chris.

CHRIS HARRISON - They don't? Shit.

In Prague, Emily confronts producer Cassie Lambert about the "scandal"...

EMILY MAYNARD - So you're telling me that you and Arie used to sleep together?

CASSIE LAMBERT - We just finger-banged. But, like, hardcore finger-banging.

EMILY MAYNARD - Wow. This is a bigger scandal than when Chris Harrison tickled Gia Allemand's nipples in her sleep and the night cameras caught it.

CASSIE LAMBERT  - Uh... nobody knows about that.

EMILY MAYNARD  - They don't? Whoops. Well, they do now.

In Prague, Emily confronts Arie about the "scandal" on a boat...

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Emily, I'm sorry I tater-effed Producer Cassie in 2003.

EMILY MAYNARD - You tater-effed? She said it was just intense finger banging!

ARIE LUYENDYK JR  - Uh... it was? Right. It was. Just finger-banging.

EMILY MAYNARD - Somebody here done stretched the truth farther than grandma's girdle on a post in the yard.


EMILY MAYNARD - West Virginia-ism.

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Oh. Well, I got something for you that will erase the memory of the scandal bigger than the time Chris Harrison photoshopped himself in a threeway with Justin "Rated R" Rego and Dave Good and then was found jerking off to it on Chat Roulette.  **devours her face**

EMILY MAYNARD  - **recovers from having her face devoured** Wait... he did that?

Wolf and Emily date in a dungeon...

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER  - Wolf called girl. Girl no answer for seventy three hours. Girl making it with doctor dude.

EMILY MAYNARD - What a horrific tale.

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - Wolf kiss you now. **chaste peck**

EMILY MAYNARD - You know what I think, Wolf? I think you're smarter than you seem.

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - **Home Improvement groan** Whhaaaa?

EMILY MAYNARD - I think you talk about dead grandparents and cheating girlfriends to get me to feel bad for you.

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - Wolf just have difficult white suburban upbringing. That's all.  

EMILY MAYNARD - Well, now you'll have another sad sack tale to tell the next woman you date.

JOHN WOLF WOLFNER - About this stale quinoa? 

EMILY MAYNARD - No. About how you got dumped on television. Uh-buh-bye.

Jef goes on a a date at a puppet shop in Prague...

JEF HOLM -  **talking through Michael Jackson puppet** While everyone in the world thought I was engaged in impropriety with young boys, I was actually quietly masturbating in my room to photographs of Emily Maynard. 

EMILY MAYNARD - It's Michael Jackson's third death birthday today. Too soon, bro. 

JEF HOLM - **still through Michael Jackson puppet** Forget Debbie Rowe. I should have asked Emily Maynard to act as my surrogate.  **makes puppet moon walk**  

EMILY MAYNARD - I was eleven when his first child was born. 

JEF HOLM - **still through Michael Jackson puppet** Every time I do this **grabs puppet crotch** I'm dedicating it to Emily Maynard in my head. 

EMILY MAYNARD - This is started to make me uncomfortable. 

JEF HOLM - Sorry. Want to go lay on the floor? 


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