Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 5

Sean Lowe is sweet Aryan perfection.

Sean and Emily have a one-on-one in a public park...

EMILY MAYNARD - This is the best date, listening to weird English people stand on things and talk.

SEAN LOWE - Oh yeah? Check THIS out. **gets on box** Ahem.  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..." **jumps down**

EMILY MAYNARD - Uh, was that Corinthians?

SEAN LOWE - No. I made it up on the spot. It's just how I feel.

EMILY MAYNARD - I'm pretty sure it was Corinthians.

SEAN LOWE - When are you just going to accept that I'm Aryan perfection, huh? When? 

EMILY MAYNARD - Um... now? **they make out**

Doug pulls Emily aside after Kalon's trash-talking...

DOUG CLERGET - I'm just telling you this because I'm a parent. And not because I'm trying to get in those sweet, sweet knickers.  

EMILY MAYNARD - I know we're in London, but you can just say "pants."  

DOUG CLERGET -  Right, sorry. Pants. Here goes. Kalon said you have a lot of baggage.

EMILY MAYNARD - I mean, we're here for a full week, and I need a cocktail outfit, a helicopter outfit, a bungee jumping outfit...

DOUG CLERGET - No, I mean baggage as in you have slept with another man and produced living evidence of that.

EMILY MAYNARD - Oh. Well, then I'm gonna go West Virginia on his ass!

DOUG CLERGET - You're going to practice incest in a coal mine?

EMILY MAYNARD - No, in the way Taylor Armstrong goes Oklahoma on people. You just pick the state you're from and then tell people you're going to go that state on them.

DOUG CLERGET  - Ah, ok. Got it.

Emily enters the Room o' Dudes... 

EMILY MAYNARD -  Got a question for the Luxury Brand Consultant, whatever the fuck that is.

KALON MCMAHON - It means I visit retail outlets across Texas, and -

EMILY MAYNARD - I don't really want to know. So is there anything you've been doing or saying that I should be aware of?

KALON MCMAHON -  I snuck out for some filler and a sprig of Botox between the brows last night.

EMILY MAYNARD - That's it?

KALON MCMAHON - Oh, and I told everyone that you have baggage.


**Everyone sits in silence, Kalon does not move**

EMILY MAYNARD - Anybody wanna back me up here?

CHRIS DRISH - - Bro code, dude.

EMILY MAYNARD - You consider Kalon a BRO? I'm not sure he's even human!

RYAN BOWERS - Sorry, dude. It's just bro-licious, tasty Bro Code.

EMILY MAYNARD - You all suck.

Jef and Emily go to the "London Eye" for a one-on-one...

EMILY MAYNARD - Well, since we're in London, I figure we can do something you can do at all the Six Flags outposts. **they hop on a ferris wheel**

JEF HOLM - **throws skateboard into the bushes** This is better than Six Flags. Know why?


JEF HOLM - Cuz I'm with you.

EMILY MAYNARD -  Aw. So do you mind if I ask you why you didn't you stick up for me with Kalon?

JEF HOLM  - I did! When he told me you had baggage, I said "Sure, but it's not like she's the Octomom or anything."


JEF HOLM  - Yep. I'm down for you, baby. **they kiss**

At the ceremony, Emily makes her elimination...

EMILY MAYNARD - **singing**  "Don't call my name, don't call my name.... Alejandro."

ALEJANDRO VELEZ -  I am frightened by how appropriate those Lady Gaga lyrics are for this particular situation.

EMILY MAYNARD  - That's the most I've heard you say in an entire month.

ALEJANDRO VELEZ  - There's a lot more where that came from.


EMILY MAYNARD  - I think this is the part where you talk more to show me where it comes from.

ALEJANDRO VELEZ - Sorry, I'm tired.  

EMILY MAYNARD  -Well, bye.


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