The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 4

"If there's grass on the field, play ball" and other charming witticisms.

Emily takes Doug on a date in Bermuda...

EMILY MAYNARD - You seem too perfect. Tell me some faults of yours.  

DOUG GLERGET - I'm up my sons ass 24-7. Like, literally.

EMILY MAYNARD - Ew. What else?  

DOUG GLERGET - I make great chilaquiles, but I use cilantro and I know some people don't like cilantro.

EMILY MAYNARD - Anything, like, really bad? See, I'm impatient and stubborn. Anything like that?

DOUG GLERGET - Well, my jokes are so funny that sometimes the receiver of the joke pees. So that's bad.

EMILY MAYNARD  - Got it. So you ARE perfect.

**They eat in blissful silence**

DOUG GLERGET - Oh, if you do happen to get a peek into my file with the State of Washington Department of Corrections, you'll see that I once assaulted my son's mother with a shotgun.

EMILY MAYNARD - **chokes on quinoa**

DOUG GLERGET -  That's why they call it department of corrections, though, so it's cool.





The winners of the sailboat race curl up next to Emily on the beach...

JEF HOLM - **throws skateboard into the bushes** Can we all fit under the blanket with you?

EMILY MAYNARD - Uh... you can try... I guess.

**they all snuggle up under same blanket** 

ARIE LUYENDYK JR. - Mmmmmm....

**they all start to rub on Emily**   

KALON MCMAHON - We really like you. 

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - We think you're real pretty and cool.

JEF HOLM -  This blanket smells like my mommy.

RYAN BOWERS   - **stomps up to the blanket of love** These queers bothering you, Emily? 

EMILY MAYNARD - Sorta. 

RYAN BOWERS  - Come with me.





Ryan and Emily talk privately in beach chairs...

EMILY MAYNARD - You have a lot of, uh, interesting sayings.

RYAN BOWERS -  Like, "if there's grass on the field, play ball"?

EMILY MAYNARD - Yes, like that one.

RYAN BOWERS - And "old enough to bleed, old enough to breed"?

EMILY MAYNARD  - That too.

RYAN BOWERS - Don't forget "if the van is a'rockin', don't come a knockin', especially if I'm in there with a high school chick."

EMILY MAYNARD - Right.

RYAN BOWERS - Say, where's that little scamp Ricki? 

EMILY MAYNARD  - You know what? I think I'm going to keep her away from you for a little while.

RYAN BOWERS - Until she's 16? Awwww yeah.  

EMILY MAYNARD - This is why the world looks down on the American South.







Emily takes Wolf/John and Nate on a two-one-one, cleverly called the "Bermuda Triangle"...

NATE BAKKE - I just fuckin' love my family and friends SO HARD. **bursts into tears**.

EMILY MAYNARD - Oh Christ.

NATE BAKKE - I can't stop... crying! **bawls, notices the food on the table** Oh, is that quinoa?

EMILY MAYNARD - Wolf, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm selecting you, someone named Wolf, and sending Beaches over here home.

NATE BAKKE - I love that movie! **cries harder**



At the Rose Ceremony...

EMILY MAYNARD - Long Hair, go home.

MICHAEL NANCE - I have a name, you know.

EMILY MAYNARD - And I still don't know what it is, so it's clear I made the right choice.

MICHAEL NANCE  - **sniffles, blinks back tears**

EMILY MAYNARD - Hey, if I wanted to have sex with a lady, I would have kept Tony around. Now git.



THE END.