Monday, May 28, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 3

Dollywood is like Disney World, only shittier.

Chris gets a one-on-one with Emily...

EMILY MAYNARD  - I've got a great date planned for today.

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Bungee jumping followed by a shitty country singer?

EMILY MAYNARD - Way off. High-rise rappelling following by a mediocre country singer. Can you handle it?

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - I'm from Bartlett, Illinois. I can handle amazing amounts of mediocrity.

MEDIOCRE COUNTRY SINGER LUKE BRYAN  -  **singing** I'm drunk off you, and high off summertime... 

CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Is that our cue to start doing body shots? 


CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Thought I'd ask.

On the group date...

EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for today.

RYAN BOWERS - Group sex in broad daylight?

EMILY MAYNARD - Close. You're going to interact with children and then meet my friends.

TONY PIEPER - As fun as that sounds, I'd rather go cry in a corner for attention. Er, I meant, out of longing for my sweet son.

DOUG CLERGET - **whispers** Dude, you blew it! You really gotta perfect the fake affection for children if you're ever gonna get anywhere.

EMILY MAYNARD - Tony, you can go home now. My libido is higher for my brother than it is for you.

TONY PIEPER - K. **leaves**

SEAN LOWE - Well, as for me, I've got today's date in the bag. **approaches Emily's cougar friends.** Faith, Jesus, abs, semen, faith, push-ups, blah blah blah.


At Dollywood....

EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for today.

ARIE LUYENDYK JR. - We're going to tour the economically-depressed, poverty-stricken backwaters of the South?

EMILY MAYNARD - Yes, but we're going to tour FAKE economically-depressed, poverty-stricken backwaters of the South. Welcome to Dollywood!

ARIE LUYENDYK JR.- I've never missed the shitty strip-mall nothingness of suburban Arizona as much as I do right at this moment.

DOLLY PARTON - **curtain rises** Excuse me, young man? I'll have you know that this entire theme park is a replica of the time my 10 brothers and sisters murdered our parents in their sleep. It's sacred. 

EMILY MAYNARD - **gasps** It's really her!

ARIE - You're... a big fan of hers?

EMILY MAYNARD - The biggest. **inconspicuously starts touching herself**

DOLLY PARTON - Be sure to stop by the gift shop, where miniature versions of my first diaphragm are available for purchase.

EMILY MAYNARD - Isn't she amazing? 

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Um... yes? 

DOLLY PARTON - Now you two have fun on the roller coaster modeled after the first squirrel I ever gutted. It's shaped like his intestines. 

EMILY MAYNARD - She and I have so much in common! 

ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Gotta go. **race car drives back to Arizona**

Back at the mansion...

ALESSANDRO GOULART - I'm half-Southern, half-Brazilian, and you know what that means.

EMILY MAYNARD - You really like assorted sausages?

ALESSANDRO GOULART  - No. It means I come from two cultures that treat women like shit. So fuck you, and fuck your kid. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Wait... Are you being serious right now?

ALESSANDRO GOULART - As serious as someone with a Portuguese accent mixed with a Kentucky drawl can possibly sound. 

EMILY MAYNARD - I think you'd better go.

ALESSANDRO GOULART - Fine, but that's not much of a compromise. I learned from two episodes of "Rules of Engagement" that marriage is all about compromise. **leaves**

At the Rose Ceremony...

EMILY MAYNARD - Last and certainly least...  Alejandro. 

MC STEVIE - So that means I don't even register as "least" anymore? It's like I never existed.

EMILY MAYNARD - Pretty much. 

MC STEVIE - Well, I hope you and Ricky Senior meet in hell very soon. **pops, locks and drops all the way back to New Jersey**


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