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| Dollywood is like Disney World, only shittier. |
Chris gets a one-on-one with Emily...
EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for today.
CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Bungee jumping followed by a shitty country singer?
EMILY MAYNARD - Way off. High-rise rappelling following by a mediocre country singer. Can you handle it?
CHRIS BUKOWSKI - I'm from Bartlett, Illinois. I can handle amazing amounts of mediocrity.
MEDIOCRE COUNTRY SINGER LUKE BRYAN - **singing** I'm drunk off you, and high off summertime...
CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Is that our cue to start doing body shots?
EMILY MAYNARD - No.
CHRIS BUKOWSKI - Thought I'd ask.
On the group date...
EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for today.
RYAN BOWERS - Group sex in broad daylight?
EMILY MAYNARD - Close. You're going to interact with children and then meet my friends.
TONY PIEPER - As fun as that sounds, I'd rather go cry in a corner for attention. Er, I meant, out of longing for my sweet son.
DOUG CLERGET - **whispers** Dude, you blew it! You really gotta perfect the fake affection for children if you're ever gonna get anywhere.
EMILY MAYNARD - Tony, you can go home now. My libido is higher for my brother than it is for you.
TONY PIEPER - K. **leaves**
SEAN LOWE - Well, as for me, I've got today's date in the bag. **approaches Emily's cougar friends.** Faith, Jesus, abs, semen, faith, push-ups, blah blah blah.
BLOND COUGAR FRIEND - Fuck me now.
At Dollywood....
EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for today.
ARIE LUYENDYK JR. - We're going to tour the economically-depressed, poverty-stricken backwaters of the South?
EMILY MAYNARD - Yes, but we're going to tour FAKE economically-depressed, poverty-stricken backwaters of the South. Welcome to Dollywood!
ARIE LUYENDYK JR.- I've never missed the shitty strip-mall nothingness of suburban Arizona as much as I do right at this moment.
DOLLY PARTON - **curtain rises** Excuse me, young man? I'll have you know that this entire theme park is a replica of the time my 10 brothers and sisters murdered our parents in their sleep. It's sacred.
EMILY MAYNARD - **gasps** It's really her!
ARIE - You're... a big fan of hers?
EMILY MAYNARD - The biggest. **inconspicuously starts touching herself**
DOLLY PARTON - Be sure to stop by the gift shop, where miniature versions of my first diaphragm are available for purchase.
EMILY MAYNARD - Isn't she amazing?
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Um... yes?
DOLLY PARTON - Now you two have fun on the roller coaster modeled after the first squirrel I ever gutted. It's shaped like his intestines.
EMILY MAYNARD - She and I have so much in common!
ARIE LUYENDYK JR - Gotta go. **race car drives back to Arizona**
Back at the mansion...
ALESSANDRO GOULART - I'm half-Southern, half-Brazilian, and you know what that means.
EMILY MAYNARD - You really like assorted sausages?
ALESSANDRO GOULART - No. It means I come from two cultures that treat women like shit. So fuck you, and fuck your kid.
EMILY MAYNARD - Wait... Are you being serious right now?
ALESSANDRO GOULART - As serious as someone with a Portuguese accent mixed with a Kentucky drawl can possibly sound.
EMILY MAYNARD - I think you'd better go.
ALESSANDRO GOULART - Fine, but that's not much of a compromise. I learned from two episodes of "Rules of Engagement" that marriage is all about compromise. **leaves**
At the Rose Ceremony...
EMILY MAYNARD - Last and certainly least... Alejandro.
MC STEVIE - So that means I don't even register as "least" anymore? It's like I never existed.
EMILY MAYNARD - Pretty much.
MC STEVIE - Well, I hope you and Ricky Senior meet in hell very soon. **pops, locks and drops all the way back to New Jersey**
THE END.
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