Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 2

Cross-promotion makes me horny.






Emily picks Ryan up at the mansion...

EMILY MAYNARD - I've got a great date planned for us today.   

RYAN BOWERS - Alright! I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter over the San Fernando Valley.

EMILY MAYNARD  - We're in North Carolina this season, remember? 

RYAN BOWERS - I've tried to forget.  

EMILY MAYNARD - Which means we're going to date Charlotte-style, with you sitting in the car while I run errands. 

RYAN BOWERS - Do we at least get to have car sex between errands? 

EMILY MAYNARD - No. Need me to crack a window?  

RYAN BOWERS - It's 92 degrees outside. What do you think? 

EMILY MAYNARD - Good point. You'll lose some water weight. **leaves him in hot car while she gives sugary snacks to soccer children**




Later on in the date, some shitty country band plays for Emily and Ryan while an audience full of Charlottians looks on...

AUDIENCE MEMBER I  - Omg omg omg. ABC's The Bachelorette is filming HERE! In CHARLOTTE!  

AUDIENCE MEMBER II - I can't breathe. This is better than the time K-Ci & JoJo came back for their reunion concert! **faints** 

AUDIENCE MEMBER III - I am overwhelmed with the sheer star-studed-ness of this evening. **dies** 

EMILY MAYNARD - **to Ryan** We're the most famous people in Charlotte. I heard somebody died in the audience from our sheer star-studed-ness.  

RYAN BOWERS - Died? So this is what Michael Jackson felt like during his tour of Europe.  

EMILY MAYNARD - Amazing, isn't it? These poor plebes would do anything for us.  

AUDIENCE MEMBER IV - HOLY SHIT TWITTER IS SAYING THAT HOMETOWN HERO SKEET ULRICH IS EATING AT THE SUBWAY IN UNIVERSITY CITY!


**"Star"-hungry Audience tramples Emily and Ryan to catch a glimpse of Skeet Ulrich eating Subway**



 


At the Muppet Show at an auditorium full of small children in Charlotte...

KERMIT THE FROG -  Hey, girl. How 'bout you and me and Miss Piggy have a threesome for this here audience of beautiful people? 

EMILY MAYNARD - Um, my daughter is in the audience and can hear every word you're saying. 

KERMIT THE FROG  - Cool. Make it a foursome.

CHARLIE GROGAN - Emily, can I talk to you for a second? 

EMILY MAYNARD - I'm kind of busy getting turned on talking to a puppet. 

KERMIT THE FROG  - I knew you were into the dirty stuff. I could just tell. 

CHARLIE GROGAN - Well, um, I just wanted to let you know that I can't do stand-up comedy. It's difficult to talk because I'm actually still in a coma. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Ok. How about instead of reciting prepared jokes from a piece of paper, we throw you to the wolves and have you improvise in a scene with Miss Piggy? 

CHARLIE GROGAN - That would be wonderful. You are so kind and understanding. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Thank you.




Emily sits down with Jef at the mansion...

EMILY MAYNARD - I feel like, whenever I look at you, you look away.   

JEF HOLM - Whatever. 

EMILY MAYNARD - I'm just such a doofus, next to your super neat skateboard and James Dean hair. 

JEF HOLM - It's cool. Just do you. 

EMILY MAYNARD - You make me so nervous! 

JEF HOLM - Whatever. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Hey - is that an earpiece? 

JEF HOLM - Nah, stop playa-hatin'. 

EMILY MAYNARD - **yanks out earpiece, listens to it** 

MYSTERY, LEAD PICK-UP ARTIST IN THE SEDUCTION COMMUNITY - Good, Jef. Now give her another Neg. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Who is this? 

MYSTERY - Crap. Gotta go. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Jef, was that Mystery? 

JEF HOLM - Who? 

EMILY MAYNARD - You know who. 

JEF HOLM - Yes. I'm so so so so sorry. 

EMILY MAYNARD - Don't be. That shit is working. **gives him a beej**






The dudes hang in the pool...

KALON MCMAHON - All I'm saying is, people with children should not be able to leave the house. That's all.   

DOUG CLERGET - Say that to my face! 

KALON MCMAHON - I... just did? 

DOUG CLERGET - I'll have you know that my son WANTED me to come on this show! And whatever that three-year-old tells me to do, I do! Without question! 

KALON MCMAHON - Don't get all aggro, man.  I'm just sitting here with my concave chest, enjoying the sun. 

DOUG CLERGET - Why don't you luxury consult THIS? **takes swing, misses, falls in pool** 

KALON MCMAHON - Remember what I was saying about parents and leaving the house? Yeah.






Tony sees Ryan take Emily into a room...

TONY PIEPER - HEY! Why is Ryan talking to Emily when he already has a rose! 

ALEJANDRO VELEZ - If this didn't happen every season, I'd tell you to go in there and break it up yourself, amigo. 

TONY PIEPER - Great idea!  **barges in to find Emily reading War & Peace aloud to Ryan** 

**days pass, Tony dies of starvation while Emily and Ryan feast on lobster and chocolate**  

EMILY MAYNARD - **reading** "And then, the sun went supernova". The end.   

RYAN BOWERS  - Thank you. That was lovely.   

EMILY MAYNARD  - What's that smell? 

RYAN BOWERS  - Tony's decomposing corpse. He was standing here waiting for you to finish, but I didn't want to interrupt your lovely reading. 

EMILY MAYNARD - CHRIS!!!! 

CHRIS HARRISON - Yes master? 

EMILY MAYNARD - Get someone to dispose of Tony's corpse. Right away.  

CHRIS HARRISON - Yes master.





 At the Rose Ceremony...


EMILY MAYNARD - Last and sort of least... MC Stevie.  

MC STEVIE - Holy crap. That brought back some serious memories of middle school gym class. 

AARON MARTELL - **recently eliminated** What was it? The hipster glasses? 

EMILY MAYNARD - Yes. 

AARON MARTELL - **starts to hit himself in the head** STUPID STUPID STUPID! 

EMILY MAYNARD - Hey, hey STOP! Listen to me! Even if you would have taken the glasses off, I still would have eliminated you for your hair. 

AARON MARTELL - You mean that? 

EMILY MAYNARD - I do. 

AARON MARTELL - Then, fairwell, Fair Emily. **he floats into the night**


THE END.

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