Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 1

Cinderella was destitute and a bad dresser, you idiot.

Chris Harrison and Emily Maynard sit down for a Q & A sesh...

CHRIS HARRISON - So, you refused to move to Austin for Brad, and here you are. Single as the day is long.

EMILY MAYNARD - No, Brad refused to move to Charlotte for me.

CHRIS HARRISON - Hmmm... That's strange, because in our two successful relationships in the fifty-season history of this show, Trista moved to Colorado to be with Charlie, and Molly moved to Seattle for Jason.

EMILY MAYNARD - I guess I'm a little different than the other girls.

CHRIS HARRISON  - And that's gotta change. Casting demanded "sweet Southern gentility", so if anybody asks, you were married when you got pregnant. Got it?


CHRIS HARRISON- Either get it, or you're headed back to the PR department of that shitty children's hospital.

EMILY MAYNARD - **shudders** Ok, got it.

Tony of Portland, OR enters with a glass slipper on a pillow...

EMILY MAYNARD -  Golly gee, is that a Cinderella slipper on a pillow?

TONY PIEPER - You know it!

EMILY MAYNARD - So you're saying I seem poor.

TONY PIEPER  - Um, er... No?

EMILY MAYNARD - Well, Cinderella was fucking destitute. **catches Chris Harrison glaring at her** Uh, I mean, aren't you the sweetest thing? See you hopefully only after I've had a few drinks!

CHRIS HARRISON - **whispers** Nice save. Next time, mention biscuits or something else Southern.

Token black guy Lerone enters...

LERONE ANU - Hello. I'm only here so I can prepare for a lawsuit deposition.


Travis of Madison, MS enters, holding a dragon egg from Game of Thrones...

EMILY MAYNARD  - Is that an egg?

TRAVIS POPE - Yes, genius. It represents your ovary that I plan on fertilizing in front of all these other men. I'm really into Darwinism.

EMILY MAYNARD - **looks at Chris Harrison, frightened** Chris?

CHRIS HARRISON - WW Blanche Dubois do?

EMILY MAYNARD -  Kill herself.

CHRIS HARRISON - Before she went crazy.

EMILY MAYNARD  - **gets herself together** Ahem. You are so creative!

TRAVIS POPE - That's what my mom says, too.

Doug enters with a handwritten note...

DOUG CLERGET - Hi, Emily. My son wrote you a note.

EMILY MAYNARD - Loose leaf paper, huh? Bitchin'. Er, I meant, "bless his heart." **reads aloud**

"Dear Emily, my daddy is the bestest and when he has sleepovers it sounds like the monkey house at the zoo! I love monkeys. And horses, too!"

DOUG CLERGET - That's m'boy.

EMILY MAYNARD - He's very advanced at writing for someone so young.

DOUG CLERGET  - Yep. He's ranked 362 in his 10th grade class.

Brent enters wearing a supes-cool name tag...

BRENT MEKOSH - I have six kids. You hear me? SIX FUCKING KIDS.


BRENT MEKOSH - I need a wife so bad. I'm going crazy.

EMILY MAYNARD - Ok, see you inside!

BRENT MEKOSH - They poop. And they cry. And when I lock them in the basement, they slip notes under the door saying they're hungry.

EMILY MAYNARD - Alright! Talk to you inside!

BRENT MEKOSH  - After only four hours down there! It's called patience, you little shits! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!

Jef is dragged behind the limo on a skateboard...

JEF HOLM - Sup, bitch. **throws skateboard in the bushes**

EMILY MAYNARD - Ah, the quintessential Long Beach douchebag. Sublime stopped existing ten years ago.

JEF HOLM - I'm actually from Salt Lake City. But I'm surprised you would say such hurtful things. I thought you were from the South?

EMILY MAYNARD - You addressed me as "bitch!" What the fuck do you think this is - 

CHRIS  HARRISON - **taps Emily on the ass** Children's hospital. Children's hospital.

EMILY MAYNARD - Shit. Gee willikers, Jef with one F, you're the coolest!

JEF HOLM - Phew. For a second, I worried you were going to be like Ali Fedotowsky. With opinions n' shit.

EMILY MAYNARD - Little ol' me? Naw! Rush inside for fresh-baked biscuits!

Stevie the Party MC enters holding a ghetto blaster...  

STEVIE - **raps** My name is Stevie and I'm here to say, I love Emily Maynard in a major wa-

EMILY MAYNARD - Stevie? STEVIE? **turns to Chris Harrison** I can't.

CHRIS  HARRISON  - Yeah, I'm with you on this one

A helicopter hovers over the mansion...

EMILY MAYNARD - What in the dickens is that?

CHRIS HARRISON - "Dickens". I like that.

ALEJANDRO VELEZ - It's un pajaro!


EMILY MAYNARD - I thought you spoke Portugese?

ALESSANDRO GOULART - The author of this post doesn't know Portugese.

MICHAEL NANCE - It's... a helicopter! Fuck, my hair! My beautiful Keratin-straightened hair! 

**helicopter wind is so strong that all the contestants and Emily and Little Ricki are blown to the shitty outskirts of Charlotte**

KALON MCMAHON - **emerges from helicopter** Hello? Anybody here?


KALON MCMAHON - Sweet. More pussy for me. **turns around to spot lone camera man filming** Oh, fuck. You're probably going to capture my future comment about Emily having baggage, too, aren't you?



The end.

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