Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Dance Moms Episode 9 - "Topless Showgirls"

You can leave your fan on.


ABBY LEE MILLER - **to girls** This week, you all are going to be totally naked on stage...

**collective gasp from Dance Moms**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Except for the clothes you are going to wear.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - How many peacocks had to die for those fan thingies? 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Seven. **holds up costumes** You'll wear these rhinestone-encrusted training bras, with silver underpants, all purchased from DEB at the mall. Epitome of class and sophistication. 

KELLY, PAIGE & BROOKE'S MOM - Jesus, what's the inspiration for this piece, Jubilee at Bally's?

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Eh, I was aiming more for The Bare Titties Display at the Stratosphere. But with little kids instead of grown-ups.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM -  I'd be shocked and appalled... If I didn't love it so much!  

ABBY LEE MILLER - See, this is why you're getting married again. Your submissive and agreeable nature has taken you far.

At the Gin n' Juice Competition in Pittsburgh, PA...

ANNOUNCER - First up is Chloe's solo, called The Raven, which is exactly like the Black Swan piece she did last season.  

CHLOE - Excuse me? I have a charcoal square drawn around my eye this time.

ANNOUNCER  - Oh, right. Well, take it away.

**Chloe dances angrily enough to get second place**

ANNOUNCER - Next up is Maddie, showing us the many faces of Jim Carrey to the theme from Terms of Endearment.

**Maddie performs, each move punctuated by a grossly-exaggerated Jim Carrey facial expression**

ANNOUNCER - Wow. I haven't cried this hard since Liar, Liar. First place! And finally, #69 is a topless routine from Abby Lee. And before anyone gets up in arms, please know that the numbers were assigned randomly.

**Girls dances with fans, while one of the judges' arms has mysteriously disappeared under the table. He gives it a perfect score**

Back in the dressing room... 

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Melissa, have we got a surprise for you! **takes her to the dressing room, decorated with plastic penises**

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - What's this for? I'm not getting married.

ABBY LEE MILLER - But you wear an engagement ring.

KELLY, PAIGE & BROOKE'S MOM - And Greg's been introducing himself as your fiancee.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM -  And I saw that you're registered for nipple nibblers at Macy's.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - So? I like jewelry, Greg didn't even graduate high school, and I have sensitive nips. Doesn't mean anything.

STRIPPER DRESSES AS EXELON EMPLOYEE IN HARD HAT - **enters** Anybody need some... Heat? **gets nude in front of children to tune of "You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones**

MACKENZIE - **distraught** Ahhhhh! Mommmmmy! **the rest of the children begin to sob**

CHLOE - And I thought my meat suit was upsetting.  

ABBY LEE MILLER  - **gets comfortable in chair in front of stripper** Girls, if you're ever going to be professional dancers, you've got to get familiar with dong.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - You sure have.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Damn right. **flicks stripper's genitals with her fingers** PING!


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