Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Episode 7 - "Love and Marriage"

ANNOUNCER - An act so shocking, we can't even air it. Until after the commercial break.

Two days earlier... 

TY - **on a boat, with saltwater lightly spraying his face** Ahh, these two days forgetting racism exists have been so carefree!

JOHNNY BANANAS - Sunblock-application conga lines!

PAULA WALNUTS - Beach-blanket fondling sessions!

TY - No members of the cast wearing black face in sight!


The next day...

TJ LAVIN -  Your challenge for today is to get married, and see who can hold out the longest before an annulment.

JOHNNY BANANAS - **raises hand** I have a question. What if we've already consummated the marriage?

TJ LAVIN   - Keep it to yourself.


TJ LAVIN  - Now I'm not a betting man - except I've got thirty bucks on Robin and Mark, shhh - but if I were, I'd place all my chips on Diem and CT losing.

DIEM - Oh, we made up last night. I apologized for ignoring his dead brother.

CT - And I made it clear that my family does hate her, but only when they allow themselves to think about her, which isn't very often.

TJ LAVIN - I stand corrected. Ready, set, MARRY!

TY - The thought of being legally bound to Emily for even one minute makes me want to barf up last night's plantains. We're out.

TJ LAVIN - Fine, but no cake for you. **shoves an entire piece in his mouth**

JOHNNY BANANAS -  To be honest, I can't understand what Camila's saying half the time, so we'll bow out, too.

TJ LAVIN - Have it your way. But you can't keep any of the gifts. **grabs glass flute from Johnny** Oooh, is this Waterford crystal? **stuffs in his pocket**

MARK - So if I'm going to be a stepfather, I've got to actually like my stepkid a little, right?

ROBIN - He has Asperger's, you shit.

MARK -  Sorry, I just don't like him. He's always reciting facts.

TJ LAVIN - Annulled.

DUNBAR - Will a marriage work if your wife frequently has sex with your opponent in a bunk bed within thirty feet of your sleeping body?

TJ LAVIN  - Probs not.

DUNBAR - Guess we're done, then.

TJ LAVIN  - Diem and CT, you win.

CT - Whaddya say we keep this marriage going?

DIEM - That will kill my "will they-won't they" storyline. No thanks.

They all go out, still in bridal mode, and get naked wasted. Back at the house... 

CAMILA -  I've got the best idea for a joke.

EMILY - Water balloons?

CAMILA  - No. You paint your face brown and tap dance. But you'll actually be impersonating Ty!

EMILY - Isn't that racist?

CAMILA - I'm from Brazil. We don't concern ourselves with the plight of our country's black people.

EMILY - Ok, let's do it!

**Emily paints her face with chocolate and saunters up to Ty in the living room**

EMILY - Sup, jive turkey?

TY - What the fuck?

EMILY - I'm you, son!

TY  - Yeah, no. I'm leaving.

EMILY - But I'm from a cult! I know not what I do!

TY -  Fine, I'll stay.

To be continued...

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