Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Bachelor, Ben Flajink - The Final Rose Finale

Lindzi meets The Fam...

JULIA FLAJNIK - I'm going to be so tough on these bitches. **Cracks her knuckles** Can't fuckin' wait.

BEN FLAJNIK - Jules, go easy. I really like them.

JULIA FLAJNIK - You're my brother. It's a natural instinct to want to protect your sibling when he appears on a network reality dating show.

BEN FLAJNIK - That's true. I think your finger might be broken.

JULIA FLAJNIK - **looks at knuckle** Shit.

LINDZI COX - Hiya! I'm Lindzi, with a Z.

BEN'S MOM - A Z? Where?

LINDZI COX - Where the S should be. Hey, Martha Stewart's here? Bitchin'!  

BEN FLAJNIK - That's my mom.  

LINDZI COX - Oh. That's cool, too. Well, a little about me... I love riding horses. **silence** And that's about it.

JULIA FLAJNIK   - So what do you like about my brother?

LINDZI COX - Gee, everything!

JULIA FLAJNIK  - Sold. You are an amazing woman, and I'd be happy to have you in my family.

Courtney meets The Fam...

BEN FLAJNIK  - Courtney is meeting you next. She's a model who treated the other women like the dirt on Jesse Metcalfe's Vans.

JULIA FLAJNIK  -  Hmmm... That's kind of a red flag.

BEN FLAJNIK - There you go again, being such a hard ass!

JULIA FLAJNIK -  I can't help it! Anyone who's had their brother appear on The Bachelor and then flew to Switzerland to meet the contestants has felt the same way. It's a universal experience.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Hi, I'm Courtney. I was once mean but in the course of several weeks have miraculously gone through a catharsis that usually takes lesser people several years.

JULIA FLAJNIK   - Love her. **to Courtney** I can't wait to call you my sister, "Court"!

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Nailed it! Ben, I'll be waiting for you at the hotel with a postcard and a pot of fondue. **leaves**

JULIA FLAJNIK - Who's next for me to rip to shreds?

BEN FLAJNIK - That's it. Only two left.

JULIA FLAJNIK - Aw man. I love exercising my god-given talent for judging character. Bummer.

 Lindzi arrives on the mountain via helicopter... 

BEN FLAJNIK - Lindzi. I have fallen in love with you.


BEN FLAJNIK  - But in the way where you only want to have sex with that person when they are young, but not so much when they are old.

LINDZI COX  - Chris, bring me my cloak.

BEN FLAJNIK  - I'm not done. I have fallen in love the long-term way with Courtney.

LINDZI COX   - Cloak, god damn it.

BEN FLAJNIK - Let me finish. Courtney is the coolest and hottest person I've ever met, and you are the third coolest and hottest, next to Ashley Hebert.

LINDZI COX  - Can I go now?

BEN FLAJNIK - Maybe fourth. Forgot about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

LINDZI COX  -  I'll get my own fucking cloak. **leaves**

BEN FLAJNIK - **calls after her** I didn't get a chance to tell you about the scrapbook!

Courtney arrives on the mountain via helicopter...

BEN FLAJNIK - Courtney. Will you marry me?

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Wait. Let me see if I can furrow my brow in a surprised yet thrilled expression. **concentrates** Is it working?

BEN FLAJNIK - A little.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Damn, I knew I shouldn't have gotten Botox in Belize. Well, anyway, I accept.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Here's your Neil Lane bauble. **tries to push it over her leather glove**


BEN FLAJNIK  - It's... not... working.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON Make it happen. The glove stays on.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Ok, I guess we'll try it later. Can I have a kiss now? 

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Let's, uh, save that for later, too. 

BEN FLAJNIK - A hug, maybe?



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