Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - "The Women Tell All"

One of the ones who got away. Thankfully.

On a sound stage in Burbank, filled with a sad n' sympathetic audience...

CHRIS HARRISON - It's "The Women Tell All" week on... The Bachelor.

JENNA BURKE -  But Reality Steve already tells all.  

CHRIS HARRISON - Horace? Chuck? **two men in dark sunglasses escort Jenna out of the building**

JENNA BURKE - I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

CHRIS HARRISON - See that, ladies? Get out of line, and you'll go straight to Bellevue.

EMILY O'BRIEN - We're in Los Angeles.

CHRIS HARRISON -  You think ABC won't pay for a cross-country flight? We single-handedly keep the rental helicopter industry afloat. Now let's talk sluts.

BLAKELEY SHEA - **raises hand** Right here.

SAMANTHA LEVY - Nobody likes Blakeley because instead of helping us paint our toenails in the hot tub she was off kissing Ben and then when we would have pillow fights she was in the luggage room crouching and crying!

CHRIS HARRISON- Excuse me, who are you?



SAMANTHA LEVY - Ben kicked me off with absolutely no prompting from you or the producers? That's how bad I was?

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry, not ringing a bell. Horace! Chuck! **two men in dark sunglasses escort Samantha out of the building**

SAMANTHA LEVY - I'd quote Tennessee Williams, but to be honest I don't really know his work.

Courtney is "welcomed" to the stage...

CHRIS HARRISON - And now, parting from tradition, we're going to bring out one of the remaining ladies.

**Courtney Robertson rides out on a horse, hoping the women will mistake her for Lindzi. Still, the ladies attack her and the innocent horse with their manicured fingers**

CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies, ladies! The horse never hurt anyone! Leave the horse ALONE.

**they do, but Courtney is left looking like that lady who had her face half-eaten by a chimp**

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - **tries to regain dignity** I am truly sorry for any hurt I've caused. I hope you are all happy that my career as a model is over, now that my face looks like that lady who was half-eaten by a chimp.

CHRIS HARRISON - Travis. The chimp's name was Travis.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Yes, that's right. Travis.

SAMANTHA LEVY - **from off stage** When we would read aloud from our diaries Courtney would say she had to go to the bathroom and then when we set up a Tickle Club she'd say her fingers were sore from skinny dipping!

CHRIS HARRISON - Who let her back in the building? Horace, Chuck? Heads are gonna roll!

**Courtney's agent enters the stage with a note**

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - **reads** Ah, ok. Will do. **cries** WAAAAAAHHHH!

Ben's turn in the Hot Seat...

CHRIS HARRISON   - Fresh with a trim from The Hair Cuttery, let's welcome Bachelor Ben to the stage!

BEN FLAJNIK - Thank you. And it was Supercuts, not The Hair Cuttery. I have some class.

CHRIS HARRISON - I'm sure the ladies have plenty of questions for you...

JENNIFER FRITSCH - Why not me, Ben? Why? 

BEN FLAJNIK - Manic Panic in Vampire Red.


BEN FLAJNIK  - Christianity.

NIKKI STERLING -  What about me?

BEN FLAJNIK -  Quiet desperation.

BLAKELEY SHEA -  But I showed you my taters.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Third nipple.


BEN FLAJNIK - Much smarter than I am. My self-image is very fragile.

JACLYN SWARTZ - And last but probably least, what about me?

BEN FLAJNIK -  Self-explanatory.

JACLYN SWARTZ - It's true.

CHRIS HARRISON - Well, that's all the time we have. I'm sure this could go on all night. 

BEN FLAJNIK - It could. I'm rather enjoying this exercise.  

SHAWNTEL NEWTON - Chris? I thought you were going to bring me out?

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry, girlfriend. We don't need another death on our hands, after what happened to the horse. These chicks are nuts.

SHAWNTEL NEWTON -  Don't be afraid of death. It's natural.

CHRIS HARRISON From the mouths of undertakers.

SHAWNTEL NEWTON - I'll give you a two-for-one for the embalming of the horse and whoever else doesn't make it out of here tonight.

CHRIS HARRISON - Thank you. I appreciate that. 


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