Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dance Moms Episode 11 - "Melissa Pleads the Fifth"

 At rehearsal, after Nia forgot her routine at the last competition...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Nia fucked up real real bad last week.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - "Fucked up?" It wasn't that bad.

ABBY LEE MILLER - She pissed herself on the gym floor.

HOLLY - That was water.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Either way, it was a complete disgrace. Ever seen Michael Jackson forget his moves on stage?

HOLLY - I guess not...

ABBY LEE MILLER   - Or Whitney Houston forget her lyrics?

HOLLY - No...

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Or Rick James forget how to snort coke off of a pert breast?

HOLLY - Hey! I see what's going on here - you're just comparing Nia to black people!

ABBY LEE MILLER - No, I'm not. I'm comparing her to dead people. Which she is now in my eyes. Racist.

In Chicago...

KELLY, PAIGE AND BROOKE'S MOM - Melissa, want to join us for pizza at Lou Malnati's?

MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - All social inquiries will be directed through me.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM  - Uh... Who are you?

MELISSA'S ATTORNEY -  Danny. Third year law at Pitt.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - He's my cousin's step-son. This counts as his Pro Bono work.

KELLY - Well, um, Danny? Does Melissa want to come get pizza with us?

MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - Let me confer with my client. **they whisper.** My client is actually spending the afternoon looking at centerpieces for her upcoming nuptials.

MELISSA - FUCK! Danny, you weren't actually supposed to tell them that!

MELISSA'S ATTORNEY - But that's what you said.

MELISSA - Listen, Johnny Cochran, you're fired. I'll handle my own conversations from now on.

MELISSA'S ATTORNEY  - Fine, but don't tell my mom, ok?


At the competition...

ANNOUNCER -   First up, some fire crotch with a stupid name.

JUSTICE -  I'm named after fairness and reason.

ANNOUNCER - Which you're going to need society to have a lot of, going through life as a fire crotch named Justice.

**Justice performs**

ANNOUNCER - Thank you, fire crotch with a stupid name. And now, we have quite a treat! Some privileged white kids -

NIA - Hey!

ANNOUNCER  - Sorry, forgot about you. Some privileged mostly-white kids and a privileged black kid who socializes mainly with white kids are going to attempt to teach us a lesson about homelessness... through dance.

**Maddie wears a tattered hat while the girls dance around her**

HOMELESS MAN WHO HAPPENED TO BE WALKING PAST -  Excuse me? This is not a realistic portrayal of our experiences. 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Who let the homeless guy in here? Kick him out to the street, where he belongs!


CANDY APPLES CATHY - Finally, something me and Abby Lee agree on.  

ANNOUNCER  - Please leave, Mr.  Homeless Man. 

ABBY LEE MILLER - You're not supposed to use honorifics with people who have no place to live. 

ANNOUNCER - I can see you're quite passionate about the subject matter of that last performance.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Who said anything about passion? I'm just trying to milk these sappy judges for all they're worth.   

ANNOUNCER   - Well, I'm actually quite pleased to announce that you failed at that. Nobody from Pittsburgh OR Ohio placed today. This is Chicago, not Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.  

ABBY LEE MILLER - Fine, but just so you know, at our next competition in Yakima, Washington, we're going to blow everybody out of the water. 

ANNOUNCER - You do that.


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