Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 3- "The Honeymoon is Over"

The women are anxious to find out wtf a "Timree" is.

Once they arrive on Catalina, Vicki, Tamra and their boyfriends head off to dinner to further imbibe and make awkward conversation…

VICKI GUNVALSON- We should order more alcohol because we all clearly need to be drinking more. Even though I’m not a drinker. WOO HOO!

BROOKS, SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN- Where I come from, ladies don’t drink. They also don’t vote, drive or work.

EDDIE JUDGE - Where I come from, alcohol is necessary to satisfy the sexual desires of your much older lady friend. Bring on the red wine for me to chug!

TAMRA BARNEY - Maybe I can make things less awkward by sobbing in public.

EDDIE JUDGE- This is all your fault. Only I’m allowed to have relations with other men’s hands.


EDDIE JUDGE - I mean women's hands. I mean, what? 

VICKI GUNVALSON - Maybe you’re emotional and “seasick” because you’re pregnant with an out-of-wedlock, mixed race, devil child.

TAMRA BARNEY - I knew this day would come, when you would get all judgmental and I’d be forced to talk shit behind your back with Gretchen. 

VICKI GUNVALSON - Aka, "Season 5"?  

TAMRA BARNEY - That was the season I talked shit behind your back to the camera. 

VICKI GUNVALSON - Ah, ok. Got it.

Once back on the mainland, Tamra and Gretchen go sex toy shopping and compare bad relationships…

TAMRA BARNEY- Hey, new bestie! Thanks for meeting me! I don’t own any sex toys.

GRETCHEN ROSSI- I own 417 various sex toys. One is prominently displayed in that naked picture of me on

TAMRA BARNEY- So all of those rumors I spread about you over the past few years were actually true?

GRETCHEN ROSSI- Yes, but sex toys are a necessity in my world.

TAMRA BARNEY - Is it because you’re a filthy whore?

GRETCHEN ROSSI- No, it’s because I’m dating Slade. His idea of screwing a woman is not paying her alimony or child support.

TAMRA BARNEY- Simon’s version of pleasuring a woman was throwing a dog collar at me. To quote the wise sage Rihanna, though, whips and chains excite me!

GRETCHEN ROSSI- Me too! Vicki is such a prude. She will never understand us or our desire to avoid wrinkles by refusing to orally pleasure our men.

At Wildfish, Terry and Heather Dubrow have dinner and made fake party plans that probably weren’t already pre-arranged by Bravo…

HEATHER DUBROW- I hate when they hand you an open menu. I need time to act like a princess and think up suitable insults to berate Paige the waitress with once she brings me the wrong menu item.

TERRY DUBROW- And that’s why I call you the ten percent. That’s the amount of your life that stick hasn’t been stuck up your ass. The other ninety percent of your life, you have been abhorrent company.

HEATHER DUBROW- Maybe if I make half-assed plans for a painting party at Timree than these women will think I’m a free spirit. I have it on good authority that Timree doesn’t even own a German car.

The ladies all attend a “party” at Timree and let fake conversation play out until their dates pick them up for their real life plans…

HEATHER DUBROW- Vicki, welcome to my party! I figure it was the least I could do after you served me that horrific Southern food in a plastic bag.

VICKI GUNVALSON- This really is the least you could do. Timree isn’t even a real name, so I have low expectations for this evening.

HEATHER DUBROW- Expectations should always be lowered when in Orange County. The restaurants here are abysmal.

VICKI GUNVALSON- Agreed. That’s why Brooks is taking me to a real restaurant in LA tonight. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Long John Silver.

HEATHER DUBROW- I have not heard of that, but my husband and I are planning on opening a fine dining experience down here. The concept is small portions that you’ll find yourself immensely displeased with and immediately send back to the kitchen.

ALEXIS BELLINO- I would totally eat there! That sounds so much easier than succumbing to bulimia. I have to stay fit for my fat, disgusting husband. Plus, I’m an anchor on Fox 5 San Diego now.

TAMRA BARNEY- You’re an anchor on humanity.

ALEXIS BELLINO- That’s so sweet! I must be the anchor that brought you and Gretchen together as best friends!

GRETCHEN ROSSI- I think I’d rather be at home eating spaghetti sauce out of a Prego jar with Slade than here with you ladies.

HEATHER DUBROW- We’re almost done. My husband, Terry, has to come in and make some horrible jokes about our miserable marriage and we can go our separate ways!

TERRY DUBROW- We’ve spent five wonderful years together! We’ve been married for 12, though. I’m here all night! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

VICKI GUNVALSON- Ok, lets wrap this up. I have just enough time to hug all of you, except for Tamra, and set up the confrontation for our next drunken social gathering.

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