Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes, Episode 5 - "Crazy in Love"

Important life decisions are best made drunk.

At da club...

TY - Well, there's not much left for us to do after I've already motorboated your fake breasts in public.

PAULA -  That's true. **They sit silently** 

TY - Nice night. 

PAULA - Yep. 

CAMILA - **booty-dropping on a stranger** Drop it like it's hot, drop-drop it like it's hot.

STRANGER DUDE - Jackpot! Awwww yeah, giiiiiirl.

EMILY - **seeing Camila dance on stranger** Get the fuck out of here, townie!

STRANGER  DUDE - Townie? I'm from Alabama.

EMILY  - People from MTV only fraternize with other people from MTV. Got it? Now hit the road, perv!

STRANGER DUDE - Is my image gonna be blurred out when this airs?

EMILY -  Probs.

STRANGER DUDE Then I guess I don't need to save face. Peace. **goes to hit on other too-drunk-to-consent chicks**

Back at the house...

CAMILA - **wasted** Jooooohny... Don't you even care that I was all up on that townie?

JOHNNY BANANAS - Eh. Not terribly.

CAMILA - BLAHHHH! You will DIE!!!! **throws chair, walks straight into the pool** 

At the challenge...

TJ LAVIN  - You all look like shit.

ABRAM - You're one to talk.

TJ LAVIN -  Just for that, you have to go first in today's challenge.

ROBIN - What are those tall thingies?

TJ LAVIN - Stools, retard. That's where you'll all be having public intercourse for the world to see.

ABRAM - Going first is supposed to be punishment? Pshaw. I do tasks like this in my sleep.

CARA MARIA - No, really. He does. **Abram and Cara Maria climb aboard stool, wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah**

ABRAM - So, um, remember what you said about us living together?


ABRAM - You don't? You took four tequila shots in rapid succession and then asked me.

CARA MARIA - Oh, that! I was pretty fucked up. Sorry.

ABRAM - No take backs!


ABRAM - I already had my brother move my shit into your apartment.


**The other teams have sex on the stools, except for Aneesa and Rachel, who scissor vigorously**

In the dome...

TJ LAVIN - Some of you have raised the question of whether the dome is fair, since we hand-pick the challenges for you.

ROBIN - I never raise any questions.

MARK - We know.

TJ LAVIN - And to that, my answer is, shut the fuck up. Nobody hears Chelsea from Teen Mom complaining when the producers set up a chance meeting with her ex at the tanning salon. Little bitches.

TY - **wrestles crucifix from Abram** YES! **points at Paula** It's on, freckles.

PAULA - **giggles**

TJ LAVIN - Abram and Cara Maria, GTFO.

ABRAM - I have sooo much planned for us in our new joint living quarters!

CARA MARIA - Oh god...

ABRAM - First, we're going to combine our DVDs and arrange them in alphabetical order.

CARA MARIA - Christ.

ABRAM - Then, we're going to tattoo each other with our address.

CARA MARIA - Kill me.

ABRAM - And then, we'll spend eight hours making homemade tamales!

CARA MARIA - TJ! Let me come back! Please.

TJ LAVIN - Sorry, girl. Lay off the tequila.


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