Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - Episode 9

The creature from the film "Splice" visits Switzerland!

On Nikki and Ben's date on a mountain in Switzerland...

NIKKI STERLING - Here we go, taking things to "new heights!"

BEN FLAJNIK - Let's watch our relationship "climb!"

NIKKI STERLING - My curiosity about our lives together is "peaked!"

BEN FLAJNIK - My foreskin is reaching "high altitudes!"


NIKKI STERLING - You just took this whole height metaphor thing to a new level, huh?

BEN FLAJNIK - New "level?" Good one!

NIKKI STERLING - I'm being serious. That was weird.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Well, it seems like a good time to give you this... **hands her fantasy suite card**

NIKKI STERLING - **reads aloud** "Lindsey and Ben, Sir Edmund Hilary ain't got nuthin' on Ben's penis. Love, Chris Harrison."  That doesn't even make sense.

BEN FLAJNIK - So... You wanna?

NIKKI STERLING - Yeah, I guess. But keep that foreskin away from me. I do NOT do foreskin.

On Courtney and Ben's date in an Alpine village...

BEN FLAJNIK - You are kind of a horrible human being.


BEN FLAJNIK - Well, now that that's out of the way, I have a proposition. **hands her Lisa Frank card decorated with unicorns and rainbows that reads "Let's Fuck!"**

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Ok. But you have to wear this. **hands him a brown paper bag**

BEN FLAJNIK - Can I at least cut slits for my eyes?


Lindzi and Ben rappel off a mountain... 

BEN FLAJNIK -  Let's watch our relationship "climb!"

LINDZI COX - Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.


Taking things to the hot tub...

LINDZI COX -  Look at The Ice Queen, melting before our very eyes!

BEN FLAJNIK - Wow, you call yourself the Ice Queen?

LINDZI COX -  No. Courtney's being burned at the stake behind you by some line workers from the Toblerone factory.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Oh. Well, I already got to tap that, so it's cool.

Back at the hotel, Ben is masturbating in his room with a paper bag on his head while Kacie B. works up the courage to knock...

KACIE BOGUSKIE - **shiver breathes, shiver breathes**

CHRIS HARRISON - Just fucking knock. Jesus Christ.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - **shiver breathes** Here goes nothin'.

CHRIS HARRISON  - It's just knocking, not delivering the State of the Union address.


BEN FLAJNIK - **startled, rushes to clean up** Uh... just a second!!! **opens door** Holy shit.

KACIE BOGUSKIE  - Yep. It's me. Kacie B.

BEN FLAJNIK - You can just call yourself Kacie. No need for the B when it's just you.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Damn it! You're right! Stupid stupid stupid! **bangs head on wall**

BEN FLAJNIK - Hey, now, don't be so hard on yourself!

KACIE BOGUSKIE   - Stupid stupid stupid!

BEN FLAJNIK - It's not you that's stupid, it's your annoying Southern parents.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Really? Phew. That's a relief.

BEN FLAJNIK - Um, here. **hands her Lisa Frank card that says "Let's Fuck!"**

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Did you already use this? It's got stains on it.

BEN FLAJNIK -   Sorry. They only gave me three.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Not happening. 

BEN FLAJNIK - It was worth a shot.


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