Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 2- "Southern Hospitality"

Finger-kissin' and tit-grabbin' aboard the Catalina Express.

The season kick-off party continues at Vicki’s, and some of the guests are put off by the selection of cuisine…

ALEXIS BELLINO- Peggy, thank you for sending me that text about my daughter’s broken arm. Maybe you aren’t the horrible person I unsuccessfully try to portray you as.

PEGGY TANOUS- If you want to talk broken bones, I got a story for you. I touched your husband’s wiener once. It felt broken.

ALEXIS BELLINO - If it was broken, could God have provided us with three beautiful children?

PEGGY TANOUS- Didn’t you use a surrogate because you’re too vain to risk losing your figure? What part did God take in the surrogacy process?

ALEXIS BELLINO - What part did God take in my figure, either? Wait. Don't answer that.

VICKI GUNVALSON- Sit down, bitches! Dinner is served!

TAMRA BARNEY- I don’t eat oysters. If I wanted something cold and limp in my mouth, I’d call Eddie.

GRETCHEN ROSSI- Is that because he’s not turned on by you, or by all women?

VICKI GUNVALSON- Are you two besties now? The criticisms and inappropriate remarks towards each other are only three-fourths as caustic as they were last season.

GRETCHEN ROSSI- Do you really expect us to eat Southern food out of a plastic bag just because you’re dating a guy from the South?

HEATHER DUBROW- Where are your manners, ladies? I’m sure this disgusting cuisine of poor people from the South is delicious. Thank you for inviting me, Vicki! You’re so cute!

The next day, Heather introduces us to her clan and their lavish lifestyle…

HEATHER DUBROW- I’m a brunette and I’m Jewish. And I’m Buddhist. And I have real money. What am I doing here in Orange County? I should be somewhere that isn’t filled with nouveau riche poseurs.

TERRY DUBROW- I’m wearing a yarmulke as a pocket square, because that will really make me fit in here in Newport Beach.

HEATHER DUBROW- We also have a grand entry to our house, an elevator, and our kids are not sociopaths like Milania Giudice or Alexis’ son that keeps trying to step on his sister.

TERRY DUBROW- We have no chance of staying on this show past this season, do we?


Vicki, her boyfriend Brooks, Tamra, and her boyfriend Eddie board the Catalina Express to spend a few days in Avalon for Tamra’s birthday…

EDDIE JUDGE- Screw seasickness! Tequila shots! Tequila shots!

VICKI GUNVALSON- I’m not a drinker. Except for earlier in this episode when I was drunk off of Tequila sunrises. And every episode that’s ever been filmed in Havasu. And that time that Alexis and I got into a fight in San Francisco. And that time I danced with that guy in that club in San Diego. And all fourteen days that Tamra and I were in Cabo San Lucas last season.

BROOKS, SOUTHERN GUY- Thank you for being you, and thank you for not vomiting directly on my shoes after that last tequila shot. Its all here in this greeting card.

TAMRA BARNEY- Since we’re trapped on a boat and the only way out of this situation is to pull a Natalie Woods and disappear in the waters off of Catalina, I’d like Brooks to fondle my left tit.

BROOKS, SOUTHERN GUY- With all due respect ma’am, us Southern gentlemen prefer motorboating over tit grabbing, but do as you must.

EDDIE JUDGE- I can’t believe you let a creepy old Southern man touch your tit!

TAMRA BARNEY- Will you listen to me? This in no way affects the threesome we have planned with Gretchen for episode six.

EDDIE JUDGE- Two women! Gross! Er, I mean…sweet!

VICKI GUNVALSON- One more tequila shot and I’ll let Eddie fondle my left breast! Then we’ll be equal! Woo hoo! I’m not a drinker.

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