Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Episode 4 - "Love the Way You Lie"

In an interesting twist, a lesbian lays pipe.

Wes and Mandy are eliminated...

TJ LAVIN -  One fire-crotch down, one to go.

CARA MARIA - Oh, this isn't my natural hair color. Down there, it's more of an auburn mixed with -

TJ LAVIN - To say TMI is so trite, but... TM fuckin' I.

PAULA WALNUTS - Well said, TJ.

TJ LAVIN - Shut up. For today's challenge, we'll be -

MARK LONG - Clutching giant rolling logs, jumping into water, and swimming towards a bell?

TJ LAVIN - We get it, Mark. You host the Aftershows. But until you wear a flat-billed hat -

MARK LONG  - I do.

TJ LAVIN - And act like you're 22 -

MARK LONG - I do that, too.

TJ LAVIN - And have a debilitating brain injury that renders this crappy gig as the only thing you're still able to do, take a seat.

MARK LONG - Ok, you got me there.

TJ LAVIN - Jasmine and Tyrie, hop up on this here log.

JASMINE - **attempts to jump up** Eee. Eee. Eee. Can't. Reach.

TYRIE - Same reason a sexual relationship between us will never work.

**They roll, Jasmine falls in the water and Tyrie falls on top of her. She never resurfaces**

TJ LAVIN - Didn't see that one coming. My condolences, Mr. and Mrs. Jasmine, on the loss of your daughter. Ok, Bananas and Camila, you're up!

**the rest of the teams competes, somewhat sad that Jasmine is dead but not really. Bananas and Camila win**

At the club, Johnny confronts Rachel...

JOHNNY BANANAS - So, I hear you've been saying Robin doesn't deserve to be here, and Mark wants to go home.

RACHEL - What? I swear on my fitness empire's life that I never said anything like that.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Well, what about this, then?  **produces notarized scroll signed by Rachel that says "Robin doesn't deserve to be here, and Mark wants to go home"**

RACHEL - Fuck.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Not only that, you treated me like shit on The Island.

RACHEL - You gotta admit that you were sort of a woman-hating cocksuck on The Island.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Yeah, so? I was a woman-hating cocksuck with 100,000 dollars to buy all the blow in Fullerton, California I wanted. Hope you and Aneesa like half-spheres. Cuz you're going to the Dome!

RACHEL - That was really stupid.

JOHNNY BANANAS  - At least I'm trying, ok?

On the mansion's shaded lanai... 

DIEM - Like, we have to work together, and support each other. But I'm so confused, because we used to date, and now we don't. **giggles**

CT - I gotta say, this whole "I'm a neurotic intellectual when I really can't spell simple words" act  is working for me.

DIEM - **giggle** You noticed, huh? **giggle** I love pretending I'm the lead character in a romantic comedy. Look out, Kate Hudson.

ROBIN - **enters dressed as a vampire** Mua ha ha ha. I'm a vaaaaampire.

CT  - I don't get it.

ROBIN - What's to get? Mua ha ha ha. **leaves**

CT - Rachel's right. Bitch needs to go.

In The Dome...

TJ LAVIN - Since Jasmine drowned, Tyrie alone will compete against Rachel and Aneesa.

TYRIE - Shit! My biggest phobia is giant Q-Tips. This is awful.

TJ LAVIN - Cotton swabs. Q-Tips is trademarked. Ready, set, jump n' duck!

**Tyrie falls, whole world is tilted on its axis**



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