Friday, February 10, 2012

The Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 1 - "Stranger Things Have Happened"

They are so totally gonna do it.
Gretchen and Tamra meet at a Laguna Beach restaurant to try to bury the hatchet and move forward as friends…
TAMRA BARNEY- So, are you still a gold digging slut?
GRETCHEN ROSSI- That was sooo 2008.  Now I’m a fashion designer and a slut.
TAMRA BARNEY- I strive to be slutty but there are only certain sex acts that my not gay boyfriend, Eddie, will perform on camera.
GRETCHEN ROSSI- I’m still dating Slade and you’re still besties with Vicki. I think the producers want those to be the storylines this year, as we drive a wedge in our existing relationships.
TAMRA BARNEY- I got you this cheap knock-off bracelet with a key on it to celebrate our newfound, not just for the cameras, friendship.
GRETCHEN ROSSI- What does the key symbolize?
TAMRA BARNEY- The opening of new doors.  No, seriously, this is a key to my bathroom.  Eddie and I will be making love in the tub, then you enter, and we begin a ménage a trios.  Take that Beverly Hills housewives and your suicidal husbands!
Tamra, real estate agent of the year, travels to Newport Beach in an attempt at selling a vacant lot…
TAMRA BARNEY- You must be Heather.  Its so nice to meet you!
HEATHER DUBROW- Likewise! I was in need of a real estate agent, and you were in need of new friends, apparently.
RANDOM AGENT GUY- Aren’t you already in the opening credits?
TAMRA BARNEY- She is, but this is a complete coincidence that I’m handling this listing.  Don’t you love the views of the Crystal Cove Shopping Center from this lot?  You can smell the burnt seafood enchiladas from Javier’s up here.
HEATHER DUBROW- I’m uptight and proper.  We don’t eat Mexican food.
TAMRA BARNEY- You should come meet my “friends” at this completely random party that just so happens to coincide with the start of filming every season.  They’re not uptight or proper. 
HEATHER DUBROW- That sounds abhorrent.  Now pretend to explain to me who your friends are because we own a $10 million custom home, but we can’t afford a cable plan that has Bravo.
At a party thrown by Vicki, the gang reacquaints and pretends that they maintain friendships off camera and make obvious jokes about previous episodes….
ALEXIS BELLINO- I hope everyone keeps Tamra away from the red wine and paper tonight!
TAMRA BARNEY- I hope you die on your daily commute to your new job in San Diego.
ALEXIS BELLINO- Have respect, Tamra.  I’m a working woman.  That means I work one day a week, and I make my assistant drive.
VICKI GUNVALSON- Don’t get a real job.  One day you may have to pay spousal support to an ex-husband.
ALEXIS BELLINO- Isn’t it only fair he gets his share?  You did give him prostate cancer after all.
PEGGY TANOUS- I gave your husband a prostate massage.  If you know what I mean….
ALEXIS BELLINO- I actually don’t.  I’m a good Christian.
VICKI GUNVALSON- Ewww. Sex.  Gross.  I mean, I will have it out of wedlock and then judge everyone and tell them they’re not moral people, but I will not tell you the duration, frequency or emanated smells that result from my sexcapades.
TAMRA BARNEY - Anyone wanna talk Cyst and Deceaseds?


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