Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - Episode 7

Somewhere, LL Cool J is wondering why he wasn't invited...

On a One-on-One in Belize...

BEN FLAJNIK I'm feeling spontaneous, so I ordered a Belizean yellow pages to my room, looked up helicopter companies, wikipedia'd cool places to helicopter over, and this is what I found.

LINDZI COX It's a giant hole.

BEN FLAJNIK  - So you've been around the block a few times. No big deal.

LINDZI COX  - No, I'm talking about the water.

BEN FLAJNIK - Oh, right! Well, you see... **rattles off facts he memorized from the big blue hole's wikipedia page**

LINDZI COX - We're not going to jump into that, are we?



BEN FLAJNIK - I'm actually going to push you when you start to get annoying with your whole fear of heights things.

LINDZI COX - Wow, this is just like a relationship! When you're scared to do something, your partner gets hostile to the point that you feel guilty until you have to do it.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Yep. So fucking do it. I don't have all day. 

LINDZI COX - I'm nervous.

BEN FLAJNIK - There are five other women that would give their left vagina to jump into a hole with me.

LINDZI COX -  I didn't know women had two vaginas...

BEN FLAJNIK - Stop stalling!

LINDZI COX - Ok, ok! **falls into water, Ben follows** 

BEN FLAJNIK - So this is what you look like without all that brown junk on your face.

LINDZI COX   - Yep! What do you think?

BEN FLAJNIK  - Let's hurry home so you can put it back on.

On the steps of a temple-thingy...

COURTNEY ROBERTSON -  I'm not feeling that spark anymore.

BEN FLAJNIK  - What?! What did I do wrong? I can change, baby, whatever you want.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON  - Well, for one thing, you need to ditch that dork Emily. What kind of loser can't catch a live lobster with a stick?

BEN FLAJNIK - Done. She's gone.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Bangs should probably go, too.

BEN FLAJNIK - Fine. It is weird how Rachel wears long sleeves in this climate...

COURTNEY ROBERTSON  - And then, you need to -

BEN FLAJNIK  - Wait just a second here. Isn't it usually the girls that try to convince the Bachelor to stay with them, and not the other way around?

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Yes. But the show does not usually feature gorgeous models dating a pile of monkey feces with a butt-cut from 1996.  

BEN FLAJNIK  - That's true. 

COURTNEY ROBERTSON -  I used to fuck Jesse Metcalfe. So chew on that for awhile.


COURTNEY ROBERTSON - The gardener from Desperate Housewives?


COURTNEY ROBERTSON - A show on ABC in its eighth season?


COURTNEY ROBERTSON  - Nevermind. **takes her top off**

On a boat in Shark Alley for the group date...

BEN FLAJNIK  -  Swim with these sharks. The girl that comes up to the surface alive gets the rose. I mean, obviously. It would be pretty fucked up to give the rose to a dead girl. I mean, what would she even do with it? I mean -

NICKI STERLING - Ok, can we do this now?

BEN FLAJNIK - Geez, chomping at the bit. Much like these sharks that will eat two out of three of you. **pushes them in to the water** 

RACHEL TRUEHART - ** swims to the surface alive** I did it!

BEN FLAJNIK -  Um... Not really who I had in mind. **pushes her back down in the water**

KACIE BOGUSKIE - * swims to the surface alive**  I did it!

BEN FLAJNIK  - Alright, much better. Oooh, how's your arm?


BEN FLAJNIK - That just means you'll probably work harder at sex. It's like fat chicks.

At the rose ceremony...

CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies, this is the final rose. And now I'm headed to Carlos n' Charlies, where I hope to get a bj in the bathroom.

BEN FLAJNIK  - And the final rose goes to... Courtney.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON  - See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

EMILY O'BRIEN  - What did you just say?

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Peace in the Middle East!

RACHEL TRUEHART - Courtney, how about some decorum?


EMILY O'BRIEN - Christ. She is infuriating.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Take a chill pill, girlfriend!

BEN FLAJNIK  - Courtney, are you just reciting catch phrases from the 90s?

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - No. Show me the money!

BEN FLAJNIK - Ok, you gotta go.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Fine. But you had me at Hello.

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