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| Somewhere, LL Cool J is wondering why he wasn't invited... |
On a One-on-One in Belize...
BEN FLAJNIK - I'm feeling spontaneous, so I ordered a Belizean yellow pages to my room, looked up helicopter companies, wikipedia'd cool places to helicopter over, and this is what I found.
LINDZI COX - It's a giant hole.
BEN FLAJNIK - So you've been around the block a few times. No big deal.
LINDZI COX - No, I'm talking about the water.
BEN FLAJNIK - Oh, right! Well, you see... **rattles off facts he memorized from the big blue hole's wikipedia page**
LINDZI COX - We're not going to jump into that, are we?
BEN FLAJNIK - No.
LINDZI COX - Phew!
BEN FLAJNIK - I'm actually going to push you when you start to get annoying with your whole fear of heights things.
LINDZI COX - Wow, this is just like a relationship! When you're scared to do something, your partner gets hostile to the point that you feel guilty until you have to do it.
BEN FLAJNIK - Yep. So fucking do it. I don't have all day.
LINDZI COX - I'm nervous.
BEN FLAJNIK - There are five other women that would give their left vagina to jump into a hole with me.
LINDZI COX - I didn't know women had two vaginas...
BEN FLAJNIK - Stop stalling!
LINDZI COX - Ok, ok! **falls into water, Ben follows**
BEN FLAJNIK - So this is what you look like without all that brown junk on your face.
LINDZI COX - Yep! What do you think?
BEN FLAJNIK - Let's hurry home so you can put it back on.
On the steps of a temple-thingy...
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - I'm not feeling that spark anymore.
BEN FLAJNIK - What?! What did I do wrong? I can change, baby, whatever you want.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Well, for one thing, you need to ditch that dork Emily. What kind of loser can't catch a live lobster with a stick?
BEN FLAJNIK - Done. She's gone.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Bangs should probably go, too.
BEN FLAJNIK - Fine. It is weird how Rachel wears long sleeves in this climate...
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - And then, you need to -
BEN FLAJNIK - Wait just a second here. Isn't it usually the girls that try to convince the Bachelor to stay with them, and not the other way around?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Yes. But the show does not usually feature gorgeous models dating a pile of monkey feces with a butt-cut from 1996.
BEN FLAJNIK - That's true.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - I used to fuck Jesse Metcalfe. So chew on that for awhile.
BEN FLAJNIK - Who?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - The gardener from Desperate Housewives?
BEN FLAJNIK - What?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - A show on ABC in its eighth season?
BEN FLAJNIK - Huh?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Nevermind. **takes her top off**
On a boat in Shark Alley for the group date...
BEN FLAJNIK - Swim with these sharks. The girl that comes up to the surface alive gets the rose. I mean, obviously. It would be pretty fucked up to give the rose to a dead girl. I mean, what would she even do with it? I mean -
NICKI STERLING - Ok, can we do this now?
BEN FLAJNIK - Geez, chomping at the bit. Much like these sharks that will eat two out of three of you. **pushes them in to the water**
RACHEL TRUEHART - ** swims to the surface alive** I did it!
BEN FLAJNIK - Um... Not really who I had in mind. **pushes her back down in the water**
KACIE BOGUSKIE - * swims to the surface alive** I did it!
BEN FLAJNIK - Alright, much better. Oooh, how's your arm?
KACIE BOGUSKIE - Gone.
BEN FLAJNIK - That just means you'll probably work harder at sex. It's like fat chicks.
At the rose ceremony...
CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies, this is the final rose. And now I'm headed to Carlos n' Charlies, where I hope to get a bj in the bathroom.
BEN FLAJNIK - And the final rose goes to... Courtney.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!
EMILY O'BRIEN - What did you just say?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Peace in the Middle East!
RACHEL TRUEHART - Courtney, how about some decorum?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - As if!
EMILY O'BRIEN - Christ. She is infuriating.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Take a chill pill, girlfriend!
BEN FLAJNIK - Courtney, are you just reciting catch phrases from the 90s?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - No. Show me the money!
BEN FLAJNIK - Ok, you gotta go.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Fine. But you had me at Hello.
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