Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dance Moms, Episode 5 - "''Like Putting Lipstick on a Pig''

Brooke does some weird ass shit that has been referred to as "dancing"






Abby Lee unveils this week's pyramid...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Ok, now that we know which losers are headed for community college, let's see who's at the top.

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM - Process of elimination tells me it's Peyton. And, yes, I learned about process of elimination in community college.  

ABBY LEE MILLER - It's... Brooke!

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM - Motherfucking fat asshole whorebitch!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Sorry, dog. And I don't mean dog in the slang Randy Jackson way.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - **to Leslie** Uh-bye-bye.

BROOKE - I'm back because I really didn't like cheerleading. They had weird initiation practices. **reveals hickey on her neck**

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Ouch. God damn. Well, welcome back. Your neck-spinning skills will not be wasted here.




At Kelly's house...

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Great party! Chips n' dip, chips n' dip...

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Oh, sure. Great party for you. Why don't you offer to work at Kelly's house for free so she'll give your kids private instruction in whatever it is Kelly does.

KELLY, BROOKE'S MOM - Pottery.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Whatever.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Christi, your thinly-veiled metaphor does not shake me.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM -  Me neither. In fact, I bought Abby Lee and Gianna some time with a gigolo in Studio C. And he ain't cheap, especially for the kind of stuff Abby Lee likes.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Well, we have integrity. We don't buy favoritism, and instead speak poorly of those who do behind their backs.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - You know what? I'm leaving. If anybody needs me, I'll be buying hideous beaded necklaces at a mid-range "funky" accessory boutique.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Jill, you should go, too.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM -  Hold on. **dips chips in guacamole** Ok. **leaves**





At the Starburst Ejaculation Dance Implosion in South Jamaica, Queens, New York...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Only the best of the best come to the Starburst Ejaculation Dance Implosion competition, but I think Mackenzie's birthday cap routine can take the win.

MACKENZIE - **Heavy lisp** Thanth, Mith Abby.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Huh? I can't understand you. Melissa, this kid needs dental work.

**Mackenzie rolls around the stage, wins first place**

ABBY LEE MILLER - **crying** I haven't been this happy since the day my father died. Brooke's up!

**Brooke performs to new-age number, revealing large tattoo of pom poms on her lower back**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Man, those cheerleading initiations are serious.

**Group number for "Avalanche" takes the stage**

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - What's with the choking?

ABBY LEE MILLER -  The gigolo Jill bought us was very inspiring.

ANNOUNCER - And in second place, "Avalanche"! Although I did appreciate the choking move. Someone has paid a visit to Thomas from Girth's Escort Service, I see.

ABBY LEE MILLER -  Hell to the yeah, I did. 


THE END.

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