Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Teen Mom 2, Episode 5 - "Home for Christmas"

Worst thing about being poor? Low-quality fake Santa beards.

Inside a house, and not in a car, for once...

JENELLE - I miss Kieffer. 


JENELLE - Sorry -  I miss "Keefah."

MIKE - Ah, right. Your mother's accent has affected the whole family.

JENELLE - I mean, who am I, without the man who once pushed me in the Planet Fun parking lot? Who am I , Mike?  

MIKE - Well, Jenelle, I'll tell you. Now, without Keiffer, you're a person who does not live in a car. You're a person who showers on a semi-regular basis, and smells less like stale marijuana.

JENELLE - **starts to cry** You're right. I'm a total loser!

MIKE - No... I meant that living in a house and being clean are good things.

JENELLE - Oh. Forgot that my circle of friends is not representative of the society at large.

MIKE - Since we're having a little ol' heart-to-heart, I can admit to you that moving the family to North Carolina to take that job at the chewing tobacco plant was a mistake. People suck here.

JENELLE - But they have Bojangles' Famous Chicken and Biscuits. 

MIKE - You're damned right about that. You're damned right. 

JENELLE - Well, I'm headed to the Kum n' Go for some smokes and a pack o' candy smokes for Jace. Need anything? 

MIKE - One of them giant Tabasco Slim Jims would be nice. Even better if you can get the one with Tabasco AND nacho cheese. 

JENELLE - I'll do my best.

At Jo's parents' house...

KAILYN - Um, Merry Christmas. 

JO'S MOM - **not looking up** Uh huh. You too.

KAILYN - I got you something.

JO'S MOM - What is it?

KAILYN   - Just open it.

JO'S MOM - **opens to find an "As Seen On Tv" chin-up bar that you attach to the door** 

KAILYN - It's a chin-up bar. As seen on TV. You attach it to the door.

JO'S MOM - So this is supposed to make up for you fucking a dude that's not my son while living in my house? 

KAILYN - Well... yeah. 


JO'S MOM - I love it! Toned lats and biceps, here I come! 

KAILYN - Awesome! **they hug** 

JO - **enters** What the hell is going on here? Are guys... hugging? 

JO'S MOM - Look what Kailyn got me! 

JO - Is that The Club?  

KAILYN - It's a chin-up bar. You attach it to the door. 

JO - Bad ass! 

**Isaac's family joins together in love and harmony on Christmas, all because of the Iron Gym Total Upper Body Workout Bar. Jesus Saves** 

At the trailer...  

LEAH - MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!! **dumps $500 worth of merchandise on the floor** 

LEAH'S MOM What's all that?  

LEAH - $500 worth of merch! All for my babies, who are finally at an age when they can appreciate it.

CORY - They're only one. 

LEAH - Yep! **takes a stack of bills out of her purse, starts to "make it rain" all over the house** Look at me now. Look at me now. I'm a DENTAL ASSISTANT!  

CORY - What the fuck are you doing?  

LEAH - I got me a job, and it's Christmas!  

LEAH'S MOM - You make $6.50 an hour. 

LEAH - Hells yeah, I do. **starts passing out gifts** An Hermes scarf for Ali, an Ipod Touch for Aleeah, a Toyota Camry for Ali, and a timeshare in South Padre Island for Aleeah... 


LEAH - Huh?  

LEAH'S MOM - You heard the man. You live in a trailer in West Virginia.   

LEAH - Fine. But that means the four-wheeler I bought Cory and the Chi bang-straightener I got mom are all going back, too.  

CORY - Nevermind, then.

LEAH'S MOM - Please, carry on.

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