Friday, January 6, 2012

Jersey Shore, Episode 1- "Hurricane Situation"

D-d-d-douch-douch uNIT!

The gang travels back to the Shore after taking advantage of all that Italy has to offer- except for the history and culture:

RONNIE- I’m so glad we’re back in America, yo. I miss GTL. Especially G. That’s the gym. Because I’m so big.

SNOOKI- We did a lot in the two months we were in Italy, though.

SAMMI- We did. We saw three nightclubs, drove a Fiat, went to that pizza place we worked at and saw that famous Joe Pesci statue.

J-WOWW- I think that was like a famous colonial statue. I’m an Art History major. I know my stuff.

DEENA- I’m just glad we got to see Italy before the collapse of the Euro-zone and any forced austerity measures placed upon Italy by the IMF or the European Central Bank.

SAMMI- Yeah, I miss tanning too.

PAULY D- I’m glad we get to spend our summer working in the t-shirt shop on the Shore again. I need light duty work. Its way less taxing than DJing at the Palms.

DEENA- He’s right. Sometimes he gets so tired from pressing buttons on his laptop that he won’t even do sex with me.

PAULY D- That’s actually all the time. I will never do sex with you.

VINNY- I’m homesick. Jersey is nothing like Staten Island. I’m feeling emo. Who has Fall Out Boy on their iPod?

The gang gets invited to dinner with their boss, only to find out it’s a surprise party with all of their friends and family in attendance:

MIKE- I hope nobody starts anything tonight. My friend, the Unit, and Snooki’s friend, Ryder, are here. I hope they don’t tell anyone that Snooki blew me in LA.

SNOOKI- You’re only relevant to this show because I blew you and then lied about it. Remember that. And your friend is ugly.

THE UNIT- You’re ugly.

JIONNI- What did I miss? Did he try to hit on you?

MIKE- Nothing, bro. You’re the nicest guy ever. Have this free shot, while your girl blows me in the bathroom of this vintage 80s bar and grill.

VINNY- Seeing my family here only reminds me of how much I miss seeing my family. I wish they were here.

UNCLE NINO- We are all here! I’m not here for you, though. I’m here because MTV promised me free booze and all the poon I could get my greasy guido hands on.

J-WOWW- When does my spin-off start? Uncle Nino just tried to cheap shot me over by the bar.

Back at the Shore House, things really start to get weird when Deena interrupts Pauly D and Ryder in bed:

DEENA- Is it awkward if I sit on the bed while you two are obviously trying to get it in?

PAULY D- Why would that be weird? Whether you’re the first one in, or the last one in…Ryder.

DEENA- Its just that I feel like more of a cock block than Mitt Romney’s magic Mormon underwear.

RYDER- What’s up with all of the culturally relevant, intelligent and well thought out comments today?

DEENA- Its because I’m sober.

RONNIE- Everybody Ryder—just like a bus route.

PAULY D- Yeeeee buddy.

RONNIE- The city of sin is a pity on a whim. Good girls gone bad, the cities filled with them.

DEENA- Ok, we get it. You know the lyrics to “Empire State of Mind”.

VINNY- I know all the lyrics to My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade”. You know, because I’m depressed.

SAMMI- I know the lyrics to Rebecca’s Black’s “Friday”. Well, some of them.

J-WOWW- Seriously? When does my spin-off start?

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