Monday, January 9, 2012

Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Episode 5 - "Cats Away, Mice Play"

Nothing says bad-ass bro-weekend like Canada.

 At the Gansevoort...

KIM KARDASHIAN - We're going to Connecticut.

SCOTT DISICK - Sweet! Shotgun!


SCOTT DISICK - B-b-but I'm Mason's father. And Kourtney's significant other.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - You're not that significant.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Sorry. It's a girls weekend.

SCOTT DISICK - But Mason isn't a girl.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - He will be by the time we're through with him. **drapes feather boa over Mason**

SCOTT DISICK -  Well, have fun, I guess.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Oh, we will.**they leave**

SCOTT DISICK - Sigh. **sits in the corner, sulks**

KRIS HUMPHRIES - **enters** What's with the sulking, broseph dude bro?

SCOTT DISICK -  The women make me feel like chopped liver.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Well, you know what they say... if it walks like chopped liver and smells like chopped liver...


KRIS HUMPHRIES - Minnesota thing. Scott, don't worry about those pussy-whippin' fat asses.

SCOTT DISICK - Whoa. You went there.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Damn right I did, dude bra buddy. Stick with me, and you'll be a lady-defying baller in no time.

SCOTT DISICK  - Ok. So what are we doing this weekend? Lifetime's got a Dance Moms marathon...

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Get real, Bro Diddly. We're taking a trip. The most masculine sojourn you could imagine.

SCOTT DISICK - Oh no... I could never go to Vegas without Kourtney's permission.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Vegas? Vegas is for pussies.

SCOTT DISICK - Well, last time I went to Tijuana I came back with Mad Cow disease...

KRIS HUMPHRIES - No! More dude-licious than amateur-ass Mexico.

SCOTT DISICK - Where, then?

KRIS HUMPHRIES - TORONTO! I'm talkin' Canada, home of Kardinal O!

SCOTT DISICK - But I'm Jewish. 

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Forget it. Let's just go!

In Toronto, Scott gets wasted, acts a fool, pees in trash can...

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Uh, remember when I told you Toronto is so frat-tastically bro-peep?

SCOTT DISICK - Fuck yeah!

KRIS HUMPHRIES  - About that. You've taken it to far. This is still Canada. People are polite and empty their human waste in the proper receptacle.

SCOTT DISICK -  Fine. I feel like shit, anyway. Let's hurry back to the relaxed pace of New York city so I can recover.

Back at the Gansevoort, Kim confronts Kris...

KIM KARDASHIAN - Um... Where the hell were you?

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Don't act like you don't know. It was all over facebook and twitter.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Yeah, but you can indulge me in this wife-scolding routine for at least a few minutes

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Ok, sorry. What do you mean, honey? I was just hanging out with "the guys."

KIM KARDASHIAN  - That's not true! You were in a foreign country! How could you not tell me?

KRIS HUMPHRIES  - Baby, I tried! **silence** So are we done with this now?

KIM KARDASHIAN - Yeah, we're done. **they fuck** 

And Kourtney confronts Scott... 

SCOTT DISICK  -   So, aren't you mad I left New York this weekend?

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN -  Uh oh. I hope you weren't in Tijuana. I'm out of antibiotics.

SCOTT DISICK -  No. I was in Canada, openly defying you.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN -  HAHAHAHA. Canada? You had a whole weekend to do whatever you wanted, and you went to Canada?!?

SCOTT DISICK - What's wrong with that, huh? It's where Degrassi is filmed!

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN -   You might as well have spent the weekend at the library! 

SCOTT DISICK - I guess the jig is up. I can't hang anymore. Want to watch Dance Moms? 

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - I have dinner plans. 

SCOTT DISICK - Oh. Guess I'll just stay and watch alone... **looks up expectantly at Kourtney** 


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