Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - Episode 2

Ben Flajnik takes orders from that bitchy little girl with the dark hair.



At a theater in downtown Sonoma, California...


BEN FLAJNIK - You know what's fun? Watching videos of my dead dad with a perfect stranger sitting next to me.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Aw c'mon, perfect stranger? We spent four minutes talking about Yellow Tail at the cocktail reception last week.

BEN FLAJNIK - True. Love that shit. Well, since you're feeling so comfortable with me, why don't you grab a handful of popcorn?

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Haha, is this like when a guy cuts a hole in the tub and sticks his wiener through it?

BEN FLAJNIK  - Haha, you're funny.

KACIE BOGUSKIE - **puts hand in** Oh. This IS like when a guy cuts a hole in the tub and sticks his wiener through it.

BEN FLAJNIK - Yep. Hey, look! My dad's doing his Christopher Walken impression!

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Cool. Can I take my hand out now?

BEN FLAJNIK - No.




Back at "the house"... 

KACIE BOGUSKIE -  Date card! Eeeeee!

ELYSE MYERS (WHO?) - Open it!

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Patience, ladies. Patience. **opens envelope** Ahem. "Dear Courtney, Let's play spin the bottle with both pairs of lips."  

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - YEEAAAH! Fuckin' EAT IT, bitches!!!

KACIE BOGUSKIE -  Whoa.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Das RIGHT!  How'd it feel having those words come out of your mouth, trick?

KACIE BOGUSKIE - Um, ok, I guess. Have fun on your date.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON  - Oh, I will. Cuz I'm gonna be havin' sex and y'all won't be. **makes humping motion in the air**

**everyone sits in awkward silence for a moment**

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Wait. He was just kidding with that both pair of lips thing, right?

KACIE BOGUSKIE - I don't think so.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Damn.




At a dinner table in a forest...

BEN FLAJNIK - Welcome to a dinner table in a forest.

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Thank you. What's with the tub of popcorn?

BEN FLAJNIK - Did the Pilgrims ask the Native Americans what was with the popcorn on Thanksgiving?

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - I'm... not sure?

BEN FLAJNIK - Me neither. Just grab a handful.  

COURTNEY ROBERTSON - I'm scared.  

BEN FLAJNIK  - Shhhh. Do it.





In the luggage room back at "the house"... 

BEN FLAJNIK - Why are you crouched behind a suitcase weeping?

BLAKELEY SHEA - This is my safe place.

BEN FLAJNIK - Mine was on Chris Harrison's private bidet last season. I understand what you're going through.

BLAKELEY SHEA  - You do?

BEN FLAJNIK  - Sure. You come on the show, with your high school soccer championship and your fabulous wavy hair, just to get all of your confidence knocked out of you.

BLAKELEY SHEA - Exactly! But with a Miss Mid-30s Charlotte sash and a great pair of breasts.

BEN FLAJNIK - So enough sulking. Let's go enjoy the cocktail reception.

BLAKELEY SHEA -  I'm actually finding that crouching in the luggage room is a great hamstring workout. I think I'll stay.

BEN FLAJNIK - "Suitcase" yourself!

**silence**

BEN FLAJNIK  - Get it?

BLAKELEY SHEA - Yeah, I get it.

BEN FLAJNIK - K.  Bye.


In a bedroom at "the house"...

BEN FLAJNIK - **turns down covers to find Jenna weeping** Jenna. You ok?

JENNA BURKE - I'm having a gender crisis.

BEN FLAJNIK -  So did Constantine last year. You'll get through it.

JENNA BURKE  -I'm like a guy. But like a guy who never stops crying.

BEN FLAJNIK - You know, I think you might be too unstable to be here.

JENNA BURKE -  I think you might be right.

BEN FLAJNIK - Really?

JENNA BURKE -  No. Unstable people never have that kind of clarity. I'm stayin'! Forever!

**Jenna gets kicked off show**  

JENNA BURKE - **hiding in rose bush** I meant it. I'm really staying.

PRODUCER - Please leave. 

JENNA BURKE - Ugh, fine. Asshole.

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