Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dance Moms, Episode 1 - "Everyone's Replaceable"

Abby Lee takes first at Boogie Down Greensboro.

 At auditions to replace Vivi-Anne...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Number 437 - Nose job. Number 235 - I hear Hooters is hiring. Number 82 - Kill yourself.

PARENT - Hey! You can't talk to children like that!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Don't like it? Enroll your kid in Aikido.

PARENT - C'mon, Braylee. We're out of here. **they leave** 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Pussies. Alright, Terrence, put on that song about female ejaculation I like.

CHOREOGRAPHER - "Wet The Bed" by Chris Brown?

ABBY LEE MILLER - That's the one. Ok... Number 122 - NutriSystem for Kids. Number 7 - Not lucky today. Number 56 - Didn't I see you sniffing around Roethlisberger at The Drunken Donkey last night?

PEYTON'S MOM - Abby, there's nobody left! You've cut every single person!

ABBY LEE MILLER - What happened to Peyton? I would have picked her if she'd have shown up to audition.

PEYTON'S MOM - That's her right there.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Huh? That's a man. And a very handsome man, I might add.

PEYTON'S MOM - Nope, it's Peyton. Growth spurt.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Damn. Take that freak to the circus, cuz there's no room for her here. Alright, moving on... which mother seems most likely to buy me shit?

JILL, KENDALL'S MOTHER - I brought you a new panini maker for this very purpose.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Next time, bring prepared food. But it'll do for now, since none of these other broke-ass coal miners' daughters have ever heard of bribery.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOTHER - So we're in? 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Yeah, I guess. Don't fuck it up.

After practice, in Abby's office...

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - I don't appreciate you taking your frustration with me out on Nia.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, I didn't appreciate my dad showing me how to use a maxi pad after my first menarche, but that's the way things go.

HOLLY - What does that have to do with anything?

ABBY LEE MILLER - You've got a PhD, figure it out.

HOLLY - Um, ok. So, I'm not going to be able to go to the competition this weekend, but I'd still like you to treat Nia fairly.

ABBY LEE MILLER - **mimics rolling up a car window**

HOLLY - Wait - what are you doing? I'm trying to talk to you.

ABBY LEE MILLER - I'm pretending to roll up my car window so I don't have to listen.

HOLLY - But we're in your office. And your fake car doesn't even have power windows?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Can't hear you.

HOLLY - What do I have to do to get you to take me seriously?!?

ABBY LEE MILLER - **bell rings on panini maker** Mmmm. Pastrami. Courtesy of Jill.

HOLLY - Ooooohhh.... I see how it goes now. **fishes around in her purse** Here's a Canadian dollar. How 'bout now?

ABBY LEE MILLER - I only accept foodstuffs.

HOLLY - Of course. Of course you do.

At the Boogie Down Greensboro competition in North Carolina...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Ok, time for Maddie's solo. Show the world the amazing genes I passed down to you, my darling spawn.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Abby, she's my daughter.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Can't I fantasize for one fucking second? Jesus Christ.

**Maddie dances with weird "gimme gimme" motion**

ANNOUNCER - Shocker. Maddie is the winner. No, I'm serious. Shocker. Where was this chair made, Amsterdam? Ouch.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Chloe, the pressure's on, because you were in a music video and the three people who saw it might recognize you.

**Chloe dances while managing to balance a fake ball of curls on her head**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, that sucked. Kendall, you're up.

**Kendall dances and does really poorly**

ABBY LEE MILLER - **eating a panini** Damn good thing that panini maker's portable, or Jill would be blowing truckers to get back to the 'Burgh.  Now Nia, dance the hell out of your brown people ethnic dance. They love that shit in North Carolina.

**Nia does her solo, and then the group dances to "Sassy Doll". They come in first.** 

ABBY LEE MILLER - First place at Boogie Down Greensboro is like winning the Special Olympics. You guys flopped around the stage like rag dolls.

KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGE'S MOM - Wasn't that the point?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Shut up and keep your feet off the furniture, trash.


ABBY LEE MILLER  - Why, you got any cash on you? **smacks her lips**

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - I think I'm gonna be sick.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Oh, Jill. You're not gonna last a month here.


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