Jersey Shore, Episode 2- One Man Down

Mama, can you hear me?

This week, on a very special Jersey Shore…


VINNY- Pauly, do you remember the time that “Growing Pains” did that very special episode about drunk driving after Carol’s boyfriend died?

PAULY D- Nah, bro.

VINNY- That episode of “Saved by the Bell” when Jessie got addicted to caffeine pills and freaked out on Zach?

PAULY D- That’s not even a significant problem.

VINNY- Well, this is our very special episode.

SNOOKI- You mean I have to get drunk AND show a social conscious. I don’t multitask well.

DEENA- In support of Vinny’s issues, I’m not going to drink.

PAULY D- Seriously? Well, at least I don’t have to worry about getting raped by you in your drunken state. We can only tackle one issue in this very special episode.

MIKE- ‘No’ only means ‘no’ if she’s ugly.

J-WOWW- You are the worst human being on the planet. You make Vinny and Pauly D likable.

RONNIE- Guys, this is all a diversion from Vinny’s problems. Fortunately, I have the solution. Skee-ball!

VINNY- I think I should just go home. It’s clear that no one here knows anything about mental health issues.

PAULY D- I love you in a not gay, kind of gay, kind of way, so I’ll help you pack.

VINNY- Life is meaningless. Even spooning with you does nothing for me now.

PAULY D- Well, I still get a half chub.

DEENA- Me too.

SNOOKI- Guys, if we talk about Vinny’s serious struggles with anxiety and depression for too long, people will forget that I blew Mike. Willingly. In that hotel room in LA. For free. I don’t have an alcohol problem, though.

PAULY D- As much as I love Vinny, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping that this very special episode would focus on me and my struggles with tanning and exfoliation. Pauly D Problems!

RONNIE- I was hoping our very special episode would feature me and my roid rage.

SAMMI- I was hoping our very special episode would feature me and my personality deficit disorder. If that’s ok with you, Ronnie…

PAULY D- Holy shit. Where’s my diamond chain?

SNOOKI- I bet that nasty chick you slammed last night in the smush room and then forced to take a cab home at 4 in the morning without any shoes on, stole it.

PAULY D- What reason would she have to treat me poorly? Pauly D Problems!

VINNY- It’s a shame all of the tall bridges are at home in Staten Island. I guess I could jump off the ferris wheel.