 |
| Livin' like a local in San Fran. |
In "San Fran"...
BEN FLAJNIK - Great news. We are going to dangle from the Bay Bridge together.
EMILY O'BRIEN - Couldn't spring for the Golden Gate Bridge just this once, huh?
**Silence**
EMILY O'BRIEN - That was a joke. Sorry.
BEN FLAJNIK - Anyway, I feel like if we can dangle from the Bay Bridge together, we can conquer anything.
EMILY O'BRIEN - I agree! Like, if we can do this, deciding whether to see a rom-com or the new Jonah Hill vehicle will be a piece of cake.
BEN FLAJNIK - Yep. And when Domino's is closed because of sanitation issues, we'll calmly select another pizza place to order from.
EMILY O'BRIEN - And when little Jakey bumps his head on the coffee table, you won't claim I'm a bad mother who should have never even considered having children.
BEN FLAJNIK - And when you find a text message on my phone saying my junk tastes like lobster, you'll look the other way.
EMILY O'BRIEN - You know, I think this bridge-dangling experience has built the foundation for a mediocre-yet- tolerable life together.
BEN FLAJNIK - That's really the most you can ask for. **they share a mediocre-yet-tolerable tongue-mashing experience**
On a trolley...
BEN FLAJNIK - So you decided to forgo using dirt as makeup tonight, I see.
LINDZI COX - It's a special occasion, so I figured, what the heck.
BEN FLAJNIK - I must say, you're a decent replacement for Brittni.
LINDZI COX - Kind of weird that she bailed, huh? She must really miss her grandma.
BEN FLAJNIK - FUCK THAT FUGLY BITCH WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS I AM THE BACHELOR GOD DAMN IT I REJECT YOU NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
LINDZI COX - Uh... whoa.
BEN FLAJNIK - **takes a deep breath** I just needed to get that out of my system. Count to ten, Ben. Count to ten. **counts in his head** Hey, do you like speakeasies?!?
On a ski hill in an alley...
CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies, welcome to San Fran.
MONICA SPANNBAUER - Why do you keep calling it that?
CHRIS HARRISON - I'm Chris Harrison. I'll ask the questions here.
SAMANTHA LEVEY - Why are we in bikinis? It's sixty degrees.
CHRIS HARRISON - I said I will ask the questions here! But the Fairmont does not have a hot tub so we had to devise a new way to get those goods on camera.
JENNIFER - Gross.
CHRIS HARRISON - Don't like it? Try a Vh1 dating show, where on-screen bee jays are required. Ungrateful skanks.
KACIE BOGUSKIE - **comes flying down the hill with ass in the air** Weeeeeeeee!
BEN FLAJNIK - Oooh. I like that backwards-butt pose.
CHRIS HARRISON - See? Bikini skiing. Score one for Harrison. **gets hit with snow ball** Who did that? WHO DID THAT?
Back at the Fairmont...
CHRIS HARRISON - Shawntel is here.
BEN FLAJNIK - YES! So glad Brad rejected that big-breasted raven-haired Seattle sex monster.
CHRIS HARRISON - That's Chantel. I'm talking about Shawntel Newton.
BEN FLAJNIK - The undertaker? Fuck.
SHAWNTEL NEWTON - Hiya, Ben. I drove all the from Chico to tell you that I enjoyed our five minute conversation two years ago.
BEN FLAJNIK - And I enjoy not smelling the faint scent of rotting corpses every time I have sex.
SHAWNTEL NEWTON - I mean, like you said, it's faint...
BEN FLAJNIK - NEXT!
SHAWNTEL NEWTON - But I brought you a free bucket of formaldehyde -
BEN FLAJNIK - I said NEXT!
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Sayonara, slut!
BEN FLAJNIK - Courtney, were you hiding in the bushes again?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Yes. Sorry.
SHAWNTEL NEWTON - So you're saying I have to drive all the way back to Chico?
BEN FLAJNIK - Here's some beef jerky. Always makes road trips seem faster.
SHAWNTEL NEWTON - **takes a bite, chews** Mmm. Not bad. Thanks.
At the rose ceremony...
BEN FLAJNIK - And the final rose goes to...
ERIKA UHLIG - I'm... Feeling... Faint...
BEN FLAJNIK - Yeah, no. That little bit is not gonna work.
ERIKA UHLIG - Huh? But I'm really feeling faint. **lays the back of her hand on her forehead daintily** See?
BEN FLAJNIK - Just because Lindzi succeeded with the horse gimmick and her interesting name spelling doesn't mean you all can pull this kind of crap. You out.
ERIKA UHLIG - How can you throw an ill girl out on the street?
BEN FLAJNIK - It's not "on the street," drama queen. It's a frickin' limousine.
ERIKA UHLIG - America's going to see how you treat women, Ben Flajnik! You're going to get ripped to shreds on Jimmy Kimmel.
BEN FLAJNIK - Uh huh. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
ERIKA UHLIG - **in the limo** God damn it. Don't let the hipster hair fool you. That dude is swift.
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment