Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dance Moms, Episode 2 - "Return Of The Candy Apples"

She's back, and rocking smart casual from Talbot's.

At a limited-service hotel property in Columbus, Ohio...

KELLY, PAIGE AND BROOK'S MOM - Oh, look! A note on loose leaf paper. How quaint. **reads aloud**
Dear Abby Lee Moms,
Meet me in the supply closet of the Sleep Inn & Suites next to Perkins. I have a surprise for you.
Love, Cathy.

MELISSA, MADDY'S MOM  - I hope Justice is also waiting in there for us. Uh, I mean... who's Justice?

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM -  My PhD is telling me that meeting Cathy is a bad idea. But we're in Columbus, and something about Columbus makes me want to take crazy risks. **starts caressing Melissa's arm**

MELISSA, MADDY'S MOM - Cut that out.  

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Well, let's head over there and see what she's got to say. The worst thing that could happen is that she murders us and hangs our severed heads on the OSU goal posts.

KELLY, PAIGE AND BROOK'S MOM - That's true. Let's go!

At the Sleep Inn & Suites Interstate 71 supply closet...

CATHY, VIVI-ANNE'S MOM - Why, hello! Have a seat on that stack of toilet paper rolls.Would you all like some apples?

MELISSA, MADDY'S MOM - Are they poison? Hahaha.

CATHY - Hahaha, what a ridiculous thing to say. Here. Taste. **shoves in their mouths**

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Tastes like Vicodin.

CATHY - As apples often do, am I right? Ladies, get cozy on this cold supply closet floor. **Cathy starts to massage the women, who are feeling woozy** Ugh, you're all so tense! I guess that's what happens when you're constantly berated and abused by a barking fat lady.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - I was expecting a more creative adjective for Abby than just "fat."

CATHY  - Nah. I'm from Ohio. Relax! Relax.

KELLY, PAIGE AND BROOK'S MOM  - Wow. This feels really great.

CATHY - Wouldn't you love to feel this great all the time? At Candy Apples Dance Studio in Canton, Ohio,  we offer mothers discounts at the nearest Massage Envy. We also teach your daughters to dance good.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - I'm listening, I'm listening...

CATHY - We also allow you to watch classes from an observation room that's stocked with danish and includes an air-conditioning window unit.


CATHY - That's right. And we also offer -

ABBY LEE MILLER - **bursts in to the supply closet** What the FUCK is going on here?!

CATHY - Abby! How ever did you find us?

ABBY LEE MILLER - This is where Bus Driver Jim and I rendezvous every time we're in town.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - What a coincidence!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Not really. Everyone on Craigslist knows this room's got the best lighting and acoustics for hittin' it.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Abby, Cathy graciously invited us for a cocktail reception.

ABBY LEE MILLER - So why are you all passed out on the floor half-clothed?


ABBY LEE MILLER - Nice try. Cathy's trying to poach you all! I've seen this trick a million times. Vicodin apples, right?

CATHY - Yep. You're good.

ABBY LEE MILLER - That's pretty low, even for somebody from Ohio.

CATHY - Fine, Abby Lee. You caught me. We'll take this competition to the stage.

At the Destitution n' Damage Dance Challenge in Columbus, Ohio...

ANNOUNCER - Let's welcome to the stage, a supposedly 12-year-old girl from Candy Apple's Dance Studio gyrating to the sounds of R. Kelly!

**grown adult with breasts, hips, and the early signs of a she-stache performs**

ANNOUNCER - Interesting. Seems like somebody would have benefited from drinking organic milk as a child.

JUDGE - Is that an early-onset puberty joke?

ANNOUNCER - Yes. Yes, it was.

JUDGE  - Good one. **takes dancer aside** Miss? What year were you born?

OLD-ASS DANCER - Nineteen eighty  - er, I meant nineteen NINETY eight. I must have bumped my head while spinning on my neck.

JUDGE - What kind of bra do you wear?

OLD-ASS DANCER - Oh, that's a trick question. I don't wear a bra - I'm only twelve?

JUDGE  - **looks her up and down** Well, you should. Someone could lose an eye. Highest education completed?

OLD-ASS DANCER - Masters in... Shit. Masters in text messaging boys!

ABBY LEE MILLER - **whips out her smart phone** I googled her! She's a doctoral candidate in genetics at Case Western!

OLD-ASS DANCER - No! That's another Tonyatta Columbo!

ABBY LEE MILLER - I submit that this dancer is 26 years old!

OLD-ASS DANCER - I'll cop to it if I can finally have a drink.

KELLY, PAIGE AND BROOK'S MOM  - **takes flask out of her pants** Here.

OLD-ASS DANCER - Thanks. **takes a swig** So where does a 26-year-old have to go to get some ass around here?


1 comment:

  1. nemesis, Cathy, not NEMES.... you sound really stupid!


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